Home Alone 2: Lost In New York

RITES OF PASSAGE FOR ALL PEOPLE WHO EVER WRITE A THING THAT THEY INTEND TO MAKE ANOTHER PERSON READ, EVER, AND MAYBE EVEN MAKE PEOPLE GIVE MORE THAN ZERO SHITS:

1) Go to New York
2) Write about New York

Finally, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York has bestowed upon me MY NEW YORK PIECE.

Kevin McAllister loves to pray so hard he floats in the air. SAY YOUR PRAYERS, YOU DIRTY ANIMAL.

Okay, so I’m joking. Sort of. But really, New York and Super Nintendo video games are pretty similar. Hear me out, here. Both of them have been written about to death– what more is there to say? Well, I guess, actually, they’re somewhat different, because there are plenty of games on the Super nintendo that you won’t find a single word written about, even if you scour the Internet. I suppose that’s the magic of this website; we’re not just writing about the SNES equivalent of Times Square (at the corner of Chrono Trigger and FFIII) or its 53rd & 3rd (I figure it’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Racing or something) or its Williamsburg (I don’t know, Earthbound or something). We’re also writing about shit like Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. The 16-bit video game. I reckon this is the Delafield and Davis of SNES games. It’s some shitty suburban street corner in the middle of the 90’s videogame equivalent of Staten Island. This game is so… so needless that it doesn’t even get subway access. You have to take a ferry to get to this game.

Possibly the best game in recent memory where Joe Pesci has a speaking-into-a-phone-that-says-phone-on-it role.

There’s nothing wrong with that, though. When I played Fire Striker it gave me that same feeling that I get when I’m in my hometown of Montreal (I am going to drop the New York thing now; I’ve only been once, and I spent most of my time in Chinatown, Chelsea and Bed-Stuy anyway) and I accidentally stumble across the best goddamn soup dumplings ever created by man (Qing Hua, by the way, check it out if you’re in town) or some tiny depanneur that sells wonderfully rare, delicious beers (Depanneur Peluso, way out at Iberville and Rachel). There are games like this, however, which are the equivalent of looking for a place like Peluso and ending up at a Couche-Tard deep in Hochelaga-Maissoneuve with no place to lock your bike and nothing to buy but Bud Light with lime (I passed).

This game involves running away from hotel staff and avoiding the possessed luggage, vacuum cleaners, and various other things that attempt to block you. You also get a raygun of some sort near the beginning.

Wait, no, talking about the game is depressing. Let’s go back to the New York thing. This game is the GLEN ROCK, NEW JERSEY of the SNES. You heard me. Glen Rock. How do I know?

25 miles from Manhattan by car. 1000 miles from Manhattan by quality. Nothing personal, Bruce Springsteen.

Case closed.