Shaq-Fu

Shaquille O’Neal is a surprising sort of individual. If you weren’t around for the 90s, you missed some seriously colourful ice cream. You also missed this movie, which is a shame. In addition to playing a genie named Kazaam, he also released four rap albums, the first of which went platinum. The two first singles off that album were “(I Know I Got) Skillz” and “I’m Outstanding.” The former contains the lyrics: “I lean on the statue of liberty when I get tired / Then I punch you in the stomach, I don’t give a heck / (Hey, yo, why you bug a hooker like that?) / Yo she breathed on my neck.” Yes, all of his lyrics are references to his height. Also, in the 90s, “heck” was considered a swear. I wasn’t allowed to say it, lest I incur my father’s patriarchal fury. You kids have it good. Anyway, Shaq stands a lofty 7 feet 1 inch, which makes him slightly taller than the length strand of human DNA, which I guess means that he is more than the sum of his parts.

But what we remember him most for is his awesome video game tie-ins. Shaq-Fu is a bizarre example of a bizarre career. It involves Shaquille O’Neal fighting character archetypes from fighting games. But you don’t need to play as Shaquille. You can play as any of the other ones: Undead Man, Devil Thing, Sexy Woman From Hell, or even Some Kind of Mummified Monster. And I guess Shaq is supposed to be able to beat these guys. Well, guess what, Shaq is terrible. He didn’t last a minute against Bag Over Head Man. But, as all are well aware, I suck at fighting games, so it could just be that, and not Shaq’s naturally squishy human form.

This game actually handles pretty well for a clear star vehicle. It’s too bad we can’t take it seriously now.

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