Paladin’s Quest

Her parents must have hated her.

Apartment
You are inside your apartment, seated in front of your computer. You have a new e-mail in your inbox.

>read e-mail
The e-mail contains your current schedule of Super Nintendo games to review. The 1993 RPG Paladin’s Quest is next on the list.

>play paladin’s quest
Your Super Nintendo remains idle. You do not in fact own Paladin’s Quest; acquiring a copy will be necessary.

>borrow paladin’s quest
Everyone you ask simply returns a blank stare. Seems no one has a copy, much less heard of the game.

>rent paladin’s quest
I don’t know the word “rent”.

>purchase paladin’s quest
I don’t know the word “purchase”.

>download paladin’s quest rom
You legally purchase a copy of Paladin’s Quest for the Super Nintendo from the video game store.

>use paladin’s quest rom on emulator
You insert the game cartridge into your Super Nintendo and turn on the system. Paladin’s Quest is now visible on the television screen.

>look at game
GOOD GOD, MAN!! The atrocious graphics stab your retinas like red-hot needles, charged with static electricity and covered in salt and lemon juice. Character portraits look like they were drawn by a drunk monkey with broken hands, and the color scheme must have been selected for the sole purpose of inducing vomiting. Seems the developers were short-staffed on artists and accidentally picked one of their programmers to belt out some pictures in PaintShop while taking loads of acid.

After a few minutes, the cones in your retinas sustain enough damage to remove much of the ability to distinguish color once and for all. The graphics are now somewhat more bearable, and you can proceed to play the game.

>play game
You attempt to play the game with mixed success. Like most other Japanese-developed titles of the era that were later localized for Western audiences, the size limit for names and such is severely limited, as most Japanese words compose of far fewer characters than their translated counterparts. Unfortunately, Paladin’s Quest felt it was a good idea to use obscure abbreviations like “Learn h”, “Pro Ball”, and “Fl dor” for item names and such without providing much description as to their actual purpose.

I know Zork didn't have pictures. LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON'T CARE.

>keep trying anyway
The game itself is fairly unremarkable. As with most RPGs, the story revolves around a young, androgynous-male¬†protagonist who must go on an arduous quest to save the world from a powerful, evil being threatening to destroy the world (this time, though, it’s somehow your own damn fault, although why an ancient being can be unleashed by a single press of a button left entirely unguarded among a bunch of kids is beyond my understanding). Magic, interestingly enough, requires health points to cast instead of the traditional use of magic points, leading one to the obvious conclusion that the main characters are, sadly, a couple of emo cutters, resorting to self-mutilation in the midst of battle. In addition, your party is limited to the two main characters for the majority of the game, with two additional slots set aside for pre-defined mercenaries that can be hired, leveled up, and dropped as the game progresses. Otherwise, the game is a fairly straight-forward, turn-based console RPG that fails to keep your interest for too long.

>screw this, watch a movie
I don’t know the word “watch”.

>read a book
You can’t see any book here!

>go outside
South of Apartment
It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.

>go back inside
You have died of dysentery.

Gubobobobobo.
Gubobobobobo.
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