Spider-man/Venom: Separation Anxiety

Spider-man, Spider-man, beats the shit out of people because he can!

“Eddie Brock? What are you doing here?” Peter Parker took a step backward and threw up his hands defensively as Brock—generally known by his villainous moniker, Venom—walked into Peter’s favourite stationary shop. “I think our alter egos need to have a word,” said Brock, jerking a strangely muscular thumb over his shoulder towards the exit. “Now.” Peter nodded, dropping a Dilbert calendar back onto its display table. “Let’s talk,” he said.

Moments later in the alleyway behind the store, Spider-man (who is actually Peter Parker!!!) and Venom faced each other over a small table they’d constructed out of garbage cans and webbing. “So it’s like this,” said Venom, his comically gigantic teeth spraying ichor everywhere. “I was kidnapped by some organization and they took a bunch of symbiotes off my body and now I’m thinking I should track those down and kill them since they’re probably dangerous.” “Oh,” said Spider-man. “Yeah, probably.”

As this accord was reached, there came a clatter from behind the new partners. A filthy old man approached them, his hands waving for their attention. “Spider-man!” he called. “Black Spider-man!” he called, less accurately. “I’m a homeless guy and I’m going to ATTACK YOU FOR NO REASON!”

And so the fight was on.

With the pretense of tracking down the various symbiote spawn removed from Venom by the MYSTERIOUS LIFE FOUNDATION, Spider-man and Venom team up to walk through alleyways beating up the homeless!



It’s a side-scrolling beat ’em up adventure that takes these mighty (anti-)heroes through level after level of indigent-punching excitement!

It’s the game that’s not afraid to show you the Spider-man who punches the crap out of women (there are lady bad guys)!

It’s part of a franchise!

Large number of exclamation points designed to evoke excitement when really they just conceal the reviewer’s complete lack of enthusiasm in reviewing this game!

It’s a decent side-scrolling beat ’em up, okay? That’s all I’ve got. Do you like Spider-man? Great. Here’s a game with Spider-man in it. Stop bugging your mom and me and be quiet for a while, okay?

“I think we’ve killed like, eighty homeless people,” said Venom, looking at his gore-drenched hands. “I don’t feel well.”

“No kidding,” said Spider-man. “I just beat the shit out of some strippers from the 90s.” He could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks beneath his iconic mask as he stood in the blood-soaked alleyway. “What have we become, Venom? What have we become?”

There came no answer, for they both knew the horrible truth: they were the real monsters.

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