Olympic Summer Games ’96

No Olympics on Stolen Confederate Land!

Videogames based on the Olympics are awful.  Everyone knows this.  This is because, other than Mario Party, very few games have succeeded on the principle that a bunch of people will sit in a room furiously circle jerking their controllers in their laps, red faced, to be called the winner.  And the only reason people accept it with Mario Party is because that skill is meaningless in the long run.  Someone will get some last minute random-chance thing that fucks everyone anyway.  Maybe if that really happened in the Olympics, then we’d have a real blockbuster on our hands.

You know what I hate? When people still make the joke "Run, Forest, Run"... I mean, that movie came out when, like, 1996 or something? So for over a decade people still make a joke about some retard running when they see other people run because it's fun to point out what people are doing to your friends and also make pop culture references? Anyway, if you've ever said "Run, Forest, Run" about anything, I want you to go get a tub of bryllcream and fuck yourself with your whole fist.

Just imagine it… people train their whole lives and win their medals, excelling over their competition legitmately and sometimes brutally.  Then, during the closing ceremonies everyone stands in Olympic Stadium or whatever with their medals and this omnipotent being just starts moving people’s medals around randomly.  Maybe one guy found a pretty stone at the side of the field while he was doing the fucking javelin or something and that means he can take the medals from someone else.  Man.  I’d watch that.  Imagine the tears, vitriol, and international incidents.  I’m so glad Nintendo aren’t the government.

Ceremonial Olympic Scalp Massage.

So anyway, pressing A,B,A,B,A,B isn’t a lot of fun.  And also how much fun is it to watch people run if they’re not about to be gored by dangerous and vindictive animals?  Not very.  In conclusion, I’d watch the Summer Olympics if they were more like this (but not otherwise):

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