Lion King

The majestic lion king
These monkeys belong in a barrel

The Lion King is a pretty decent platformer, but I can’t lie to you: I was bored. I think the most entertaining thing I found about this game was the “perpetual action loop” I managed to put Simba in where he’d bounce off a rhinoceros, get swung by a monkey onto a giraffe’s head, and then slide backwards onto the rhinoceros again. I discovered it when taking a screen shot of the game, and then just left it running for a real long time while I did other things. Perpetual animal acrobatics at the detriment of a lion cub. Maybe these monkeys were sent out to test animals for possible circus work. It’s just speculation.

I can’t blame the game for my boredom, but so many of these things follow the exact same formula—I mean, they all make me push buttons in sequences. Video games? Sheesh! What’s up with them? But seriously though, don’t blame the Lion King for my problems: it’s a really capable entry, but I just wasn’t feeling the thing. It happens, okay? I love pie, but every so often, I’ll look at a delicious pie and just think “You know what? No. Not today, pie.”

Like I said, it’s a decent platformer. The graphics are pleasant and look very much like the Disney feature they were drawn from (DO YOU GET THIS “JOKE”?!), replete with sound clips from the movie. The control of Simba is pretty easy to manage, and he can hop on enemies and roar at them until the jungle is depopulated and famine follows and the lion population is completely wiped out. Kill a hyena? Don’t mind if I do. Take that, non-Whoopi Goldberg lion! Do you like the music from the Lion King movie? I hope so, since you’ll be hearing it an awful lot. Still, repetitiveness aside, the music is still way better than most SNES games.

I’m kind of phoning this review in, except I’m using a keyboard. I want to be funny about the Lion King (I gave up on being insightful a long time ago), but you can’t squeeze blood from a stone. That doesn’t have anything to do with what I was saying, I just think I should point out that if you squeeze a stone so hard blood comes out then it’s probably from your hand and not the jagged stone you’re trying to milk. Juice? Whatever.

In conclusion, if your father is killed in a stampede, take out your sadness on smaller animals by crushing them.

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