Marvel Super Heroes – War of the Gems

HULK SMASH PUNY DECORATION
HULK SMASH PUNY DECORATION

I haven’t hurt this many people in a war for gems since Sierra Leone!

I think every time I’ve “reviewed” a Capcom game, I’ve pointed out that it’s a Capcom game and that Capcom always seems to make games I can at least stand, if not enjoy. This has not changed for Marvel Super Heroes – War of the Gems: Capcom makes an enjoyable beat ’em up, and this is no exception. It feels kind of like Final Fight, except instead of the glorious Haggar, I have the Hulk. The Hulk is no Haggar, but he’ll do for now.

You can play as other super heroes! You can be Iron Man, Spider-Man, Captain America, or everyone’s (no one’s) favorite, Wolverine! Each of them plays slightly differently—Hulk moves like Haggar, sort of, while Spider-Man drowns pretty quickly because spiders don’t have gills. I assume Captain America can throw his mighty shieeeld, but I didn’t play as Captain America since he didn’t look sufficiently like Matt Salinger for my tastes. It’s a bit of a party in the butcher’s basement—if you know what I mean—but I can’t think of a single Marvel super heroine that’s not total garbage, so I can respect that decision. DC has all the fine ladies. Mark it.

The game focuses on the WAR OF THE GEMS, which as we all know refers to the gems from the INFINITY GAUNTLET, a glove so powerful that it can control a Nintendo JUST BY MOVING YOUR HAND. Adam Warlock sits on his jaundiced duff (probably in space or something, the jerk) and orders you around the globe to retrieve the gems. Between Him and Doctor Strange you’d think they could just magically bounce around Earth, toss the gems in a fancy sack and head off to the trans-dimensional pub before lunchtime, but I guess they’ve got more important things to do.

Seriously: both Adam Warlock and Doctor Strange’s powers specifically say they can teleport. Does the game give a reason they can’t? I don’t remember! Just don’t mention them at all, game. Have Spider-Man find out about the gems in the classified section or something as J. Jonah Jameson screams at him through a toilet stall as he’s hiding in the bathroom.

The levels seem pretty varied, but my incredibly busy schedule as a professional sommelier for celebrity dogs stopped me from exploring them all. From what I was able to find time to play, each environment offered a different kind of enemy to punch, and a different kind of obstacle to punch. I was able to punch walls, doors, and spiky balls hanging from the ceiling! Punch punch punch.

In (unrelated to this article) conclusion, Stan Lee seems like an okay guy with a lot of creepy revenge fantasies and probably masturbated while wearing tiny purple pants.

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