Here we are, deep in a desert of Ns and no end in sight. At this point I feel as though there is little need to even play the game to write the review; they have blended into a shapeless, colourless muck, like the food they served in elementary school. Actually they didn’t even serve food at my elementary school; I was probably just eating dirt. From the ground.
This game is going to be like eating dirt.
Let me simply describe to you what it is like, for me, to play a football game for the SNES.
Well, let’s boot it up. “NFL Football.” That sound promising, doesn’t it? “National Football League Football.” That’s like “ATM machine” or “PIN number.”
This game is fairly ugly. When I press up or down on the team selection menu, I am unable to move only one team up or down the roster, as it flips through three or four at a time. This is a minimal problem, as I will be selecting one at random regardless.
Oh look, my quarterback is an A, as is my offensive line. These are superior to his letter grades. However, his running backs, defensive backs, defensive line, and special teams are superior to mine. As far as I know, this means I should attack him from the front, wielding a retard.
The referee is running down the 50 yard line in agonizingly slow Mode 7 rendering beauty. He has flipped a coin; the Cowboys will receive.
Wait, which one am I again? I guess I’ll find out soon. I have kicked the ball, so I am the team that is not the Cowboys. I do not remember which team this is.
Now someone has been tackled; I am assuming it is someone from the other team. The announcer tells me it is a big tackle.
There are now playbooks on the screen. They have words in them. Also images. I select one at random. The teams line up, and someone throws the ball. It might be me. I mash the controls. Someone is tackled again. “He’s got it.” I turn the game off.
And that is NFL Football.