Opening cinematic:
What more story do you want? I’m confused enough as it is. Let me hit stuff.
Review
This game’s like this: you run at some shit and you give it a good thwack!
Pros: Back muscle animation while climbing ladders is ultra realistic. A big old “bam!” when ya hit the ground!
Cons: If you get shot enough you turn into a pussy with mended trousers.
For those who are interested, here’s the backstory:
Purplepants McGee falls in love with this woman, see. And she doesn’t love him back too good, so he buys her a big diamond ring. But that diamond ring turns brass. And since, as the rhyme goes, he “ain’t gonna get any piece of that ass,” Purplepants sets his sights on a more attainable prize: her hand in marriage.
During the honeymoon it turns out that she’s a real piece of work. Soon, Purplepants knows he can’t take anymore. He feels the anger welling up inside him like an unwelcome orgasm; it would feel so good to let it all come out.
But he cannot. She is, though horrible, a beautiful flower. In the afternoon she sits, elegant, upon the branch of a maple, reading her book as chipmunks drop acid and laugh at squirrels’ tails.
She poetrys to him: “Deadly drops of mercury / Dropping, stopping, running free / I cannot find my make-up kit / Any chance you’ve taken it?”
Purplepants, always the gentleman, refrains from running her through with his broadsword. Instead, he takes out his anger on some woman-shaped robots. And phone booths. But that’s it. He can’t bring himself to commit more property damage than is absolutely necessary.
Tarnished is his past, yet he carries still the brass ring, which is also tarnished.
When he is angered, he is large and green. When he is small, he is pink.
When he doesn’t want to be hit by bullets, he ducks. He’s a wily dude.
If he is facing a boss and he is small, they give him a gun and two bullets.
Two bullets. Two — the number of union.
Two is a couple.
Three is a crowd.
Four is too many.
Five is too loud.
Six is ridiculous.
One bullet to end a life; the other to give it back.
Purplepants McGee doesn’t want to die alone, shirtless.
