Andre Agassi Tennis

Press start before he serves it to YOUR FACE
Press start before he serves it to YOUR FACE

Andre Agassi Tennis is the video game equivalent of Andre the Giant (pre- or post-mortem, your preference) grabbing your wrists and yelling “STOP HITTING YOURSELF” (at least you’re pretty sure that’s what he’s saying*) as he rapidly punches you in the face with your feeble little fists. You burst into tears and ask him to stop, but he laughs at you and begins using your bloodied hands to take down your pants. Before long, “STOP HITTING YOURSELF” becomes “STOP RAPING YOURSELF.” I am tired of being raped by Andres.

I cannot win at Andre Agassi Tennis. I don’t know if it’s something fundamentally wrong with my hand-eye coordination, or if it’s my complete lack of desire to play tennis, but this game confounds my every attempt. I move my little dude back and forth on the court waving my racket impotently in the air as the computer player does its best to keep from spitting directly in my face between rounds. Sometimes, on a fluke, my racket will connect with the tiny ball and send it hurtling back to my opponent, where it is laughingly returned as I swing frantically at everything except the ball.

I’m glad these 16-bit graphics don’t allow the detail necessary to see the disappointment on the faces of my family as they sit in the audience and hold back tears of shame and disgust. How did this spastic even find his way to the tennis court? I knew there was something wrong with him…spends his whole day watching Mr. Belvedere re-runs and eating Sun Chips out of a dirty wooden bowl.

Speaking of mullets (we weren’t), look at the game’s title screen. Look at it, unblinking, for as long as you can. Done? Phenomenal! You should now have a permanent image of Agassi’s glorious hair floating on top of your vision, keeping you company throughout the day.

After playing a bit more Andre Agassi Tennis, I’d like to amend my previous sentiments about the impossibility of this game: it’s slightly easier to win a round than it is for a rich man to push a needle into a camel, sending it to heaven!

On the plus side, I do so enjoy the computer voice saying things like “15 – LOVE” and “OUT” in its dead monotone, like some kind of ephebophile robot. If only I’d played this game when it was first released, that robot and I could have had something special together.

By “special,” I mean “robot intercourse.”

* It sounds quite a lot like “STA HIDDIN YOHSALF” unless you prefer the undead Andre, in which case it’s a horrifying “SSSS CLICK CLICK CHAAAA” whispered from a lipless skeletal mouth.

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