God damn this game to a watery hell. SOS Sink or Swim is the game that almost avoided review by sharing a name with its presumably superior alphabetical predecessor, SOS. It also nearly avoided review when I accidentally refreshed my browser after I’d finished writing it the first time, and even though it SAID it auto-saved, it clearly DIDN’T and even though I work in I.T. I’m too STUPID to save my work, so now I have to review it all over again. The first one was pretty funny, too.
Well, fuck it. Maybe this one will be just as good. It probably won’t, though. Sorry. Sorry about that. You can apply for a refund by clicking the link at the end of the review, assuming I remember to put it in there (and since it doesn’t exist, I probably won’t).
In SOS Sink or Swim you fill the shoes of an underwater nerd who drives a submarine into some collapsing factory in order to save a bunch of incompetent construction workers from drowning in water instead of in booze, the way construction workers normally die. This is interfering with nature, and so of course there are grave consequences. You run around, a bespectacled little so and so, and frantically try to lead the lemming-like workers to safety by pulling levers and flipping switches. I guess this would verge on amusing if the game worked. My copy didn’t, so I’m not really sure. I couldn’t interact with anything in a meaningful way, much like I feel in society among other humans.
Let’s be honest: it’s not like anyone ever bought this game. I’m not convinced it even existed as a real SNES title. I think this is someone’s attempt to make a homebrew game, and they got sort of bored working on it and just put what they’d finished online and called it a day. And you know what? Kudos to them! They’ve accomplished more than the vast majority of us. They made a nerd get out of a submarine and climb up and down ladders, and that’s more than I’ve done on a submarine. My nerd died because I forgot to refill the oxygen tanks, and my construction workers were all irregular chimpanzees I bought really cheap from a zoo in Beijing. Man, that whole operation was a mess.
Anyway, this game sucks but it’s better than the non-existent game I never made. I’d also like to point out I was totally right about this review not being nearly as funny as the first time I wrote it, so here’s your link to get your refund: