Arcade’s Greatest Hits: the Atari Collection 1

atari

Now, I started writing this review with this whole hilarious intro about how sad it is when someone releases a “volume 1” of something then never follows it up with a volume two. The sort of “20/20 hindsight” shit you must do every time you see your “volume 1” gathering dust on the wall must be depressing, forcing you to head to the place where you make stuff and churn out some crappy, affected “volume 2” just so you can say the door’s closed. When will the Backstreet Boys hits volume 2 come out? Or Korn’s? I mean, hopefully never, but seriously: those volume 1s sitting on their own are just so sad.

I saw the “volume 1” sitting on its lonesome in our Then I found out that Atari did, in fact, do a “volume 2” but it wasn’t for the SNES. It came out on the Playstation, and it actually seems like it’s really, really nice. Or, at least, the original games (including Crystal Castles, Paperboy and Marble Madness) are among some of my fave old arcade games.

But that’s another game. I’m talking about the SNES one here. What’s included?

Asteroids

Play a better version of it than the SNES one, I beg you. It is one of the best games ever.

Battlezone

3D VECTOR GRAPHICS, FOOL. This shit STILL looks like the future. The gameplay’s more dated than Kim Catrall on Sex In The City, but damn, I love looknig at those green wireframe tanks.

Centipede

I HATE BUGS AND I HATE THIS GAME THOSE FACTS ARE UNRELATED BECAUSE THE BUGS IN THIS GAME AREN’T THAT CREEPY BUT SERIOUSLY UGH.

Missile Command

How this game got so popular the world may never know. A game based on Star Wars should do well, but it should be the other Star Wars.

Super Breakout

GIVE ME A BALL, A BAT, AND A BUNCH OF BRICKS AND I WILL LOVE IT. Breakout and breakout clones are my life. Seriously, if someone ever has a spare baseball and bat and needs a wall demolished, I WILL DO IT IN REAL LIFE (as long as awesome powerups occasionally fall out of the wall).

Tempest

In this game you play Caliban and attack people who called you mean names. It ends with you shooting a laser beam at Ariel.

Okay, look, let’s not kid ourselves. If you’re playing anything on this list, you’re playing it illegally. You’re downloading ZSNES or SNES9X and the ROM and playing it. If you want to play any of these games, you’re not going to be a fucking idiot and get the ROM of a subgrade SNES port, right? You’re going to download the MAME ROM and then struggle with oen of the many MAME UIs and play it the way God intended it: without clothes on. Err, I mean… in the arcade format. So skip this game, you pirate shithead.

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