Pro Sport Hockey

PRO SNORE HOCKEY

If the good old hockey game is the best game you can name and the best game you can name is the good old hockey game, then I feel sorry for you. Off the top of my head I can name three better games: Freeze Tag, Connect Four, and Tonsil Hockey*. Regular hockey is occasionally briefly amusing, but I seriously don’t get the big deal. At all! I’ve tried watching it again and again and depending on my level of sobriety, I’ve been moderately distracted for some minutes. At best.

The fact that I’m a Canadian citizen means that my controversial opinions on the game of hockey make me a Super Traitor, but luckily instead of death our penalty for that crime is that I have to say sorry. Sorry! Man, being Canadian rules. It makes a guy want to drink beer and stand in the snow while hoping the dollar doesn’t fluctuate too much.

Pro Sport Hockey is definitely in the running for Most Blandly Accurate Game Title, so it has that going for it. What it doesn’t have going for it is anything that even comes close to entertaining me, just like its real life counterpart (real life hockey!).

I’m criminally incapable of reviewing these games objectively so these little screeds of mine are not only super-biased (often against things you like (because they’re stupid as HELLLLLLL)) but are also not really all that informative unless you’re me deciding what game to not play. If you’re me reading this, then let me remind me that I don’t like this game and I shouldn’t play it. Right, us?

For the rest of you not-mes, here’s some stuff about this game: you control a hockey team! You can pass the puck or shoot the puck while you skate! You skate up and down the ice and shoot and pass the puck! There are many teams you can choose and they all have different numbers that kind of represent their abilities! The graphics are unimpressive and wearisome! You try and score on the other team’s goal and they do the same for yours! It’s an epic struggle of 16-bit proportions! I’m sorry that I’m reviewing a hockey game! Sorry, sports fans! Sorry!

And so ends my federally-mandated apology—I think I’m going to go and watch a real sport now: Lacrizzosse. It combines lacrosse and the musical stylings of Snoop Dogg. It’s just as amazing as you’d think.

* Thankfully nothing like regular hockey. I think?

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