PGA Tour Golf

I hope you've got your trouser-straps engaged!

Child. You are young yet.

Before you lie all the days of your youth. Several of those days will be your birthday; those days will be bittersweet, for, though candy and pop will be in multitudes, friends will be in short supply. Your life will be like a big cardboard box. There are no airholes in the box I’ve made for you, so, when you have grown very old, you will run out of air and die. This is called “Natural Selection” and it was discovered by Charles Darwin. Charles Darwin also discovered golf. He was sailing along one day, contemplating the grapes in his grape martini, when allofasudden a big old blue jay flew into his field of vision. “CURSES!” was the cry, “We are doomed!” For, you see, blue jays are assholes, and they like to show up just before things start to go wrong. Then Charles said, “I think I’ll invent something crazy!” And he did. It was called golf. Golf is actually an acronym for Go Out and Lose Face. Which is what happened to Charlie Darwin just then. He was raising his finger in the air in the solute of triumph he had become so fond of and he forgot he wasn’t wearing any trouser-straps, so down they came. Boy did we have a laugh! Then Darwin said, “I bet it’d make a pretty good video game, though!”

The crew looked on in wonder as Darwin began to explain. "A mass of green! Different colours of green!" he shouted. "And a little thing that you push and then the slider goes and that's about how you hit the ball, but if you hit it just a bit wrong your shot will go screwy, and then you'll be royally fucked!" Applause from the crowd. Darwin was overheating with joy. "And it will be the best game ever!"

And he was right. It is estimated that nearly 94% of all golf balls hit are virtual. In fact, golf courses only exist so that golf games can have something to model their holes upon. Not only does it allow people to save face, but it also keeps their shoes clean.

If I had to rate this game, I would walk away. Why was the SNES such a breeding ground for terrible pseudo-3D environments interrobang. God awful.

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