Super Noah’s Ark 3-D

Super Noah’s Ark 3-D is Wolfenstien 3-D for Christian kids. It’s really just a copy-paste job, where all the Nazi’s have been replaced by doe-eyed animals and the gun and bullets have been replaced by a slingshot and some feed. The premise is essentially this: God, in all his wisdom, conveniently forgot to tell Noah to build any sort of food-delivery system into the ark. Now Noah has a problem on his hands: Several billion animals are going insane with hunger and only he stands between them and the extinction of all life on the planet. And Noah is ready to lay down his life for the Lord. He and Rudolf study maps of the ship. Rudolf lends him his slingshot, tells him to aim for the head, and bids him good day. Noah descends into the guts of the ship, determined to set things right or die.

The game is an odd one. It puts you in a first person shooter, tells you to shoot animals, and then excuses your behaviour by making little Z’s come out of the bodies you leave behind on your rampage for justice. What kind of food makes animals sleep like this? No. Something else is going on here. Why are there so many? Two of every animal. That’s what the big man said, right? Well, I just ‘fed’ about fifty goats, and half a dozen sheep. No wonder there’s not enough food; they’re breeding! And they hunger for human flesh.

Seriously though: these goats will murder you. They creep up behind you and take huge bites out of your health. And the crazy thing is, there’s food everywhere. You pick it up all the time. Why don’t they just eat it off the ground?

I’m not sure, but I don’t like it.

Notice how Noah looks scared? That's cause he's about to die. The face of evil is cute.

This was the only commercial SNES game that didn’t have Nintendo’s seal of approval. I’m starting to see why. There’s something depraved about selling children a loosely disguised murder simulator. Furthermore, I find this game a little scary.

Around a corner you hear a bleating. Is it a goat, or your heart in your chest? Oh, no — that’d be beating. I guess it’s a goat. Terrified, you strafe around the corner only to see… a door. You open the door, both barrels blazing into the darkness. Nothing. And then they come for you. Soon, a pile of bodies blocks the doorway. You’ll have to find another way in. There are more animals to feed.

Yet more evidence that Noah was a raving fucking lunatic.

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