Beauty and The Beast

I bought Beauty and the Beast for my girlfriend about 3 years ago. I thought I was being a great boyfriend and as result would get my wiener tickled a bit.

Well it turns out that this game is frustration-clinic and not at all the reward-worthy, handjob motivator I had hoped. In addition to being the most difficult game I’ve ever played, it makes no sense at all when compared to the movie (which it should be seeing as it’s a fucking “adaptation”).


The basic premise is that you’re the Beast and you’re fucking furious out of your mind and somehow your castle has been overrun by a bunch of lousy motherfuckers trying to fuck with your life. Despite the fact that you’re a giant monster your “attacks” are limited to temper tantrums. You can a) stomp your feet or b) roar your furry dick off. You would figure that at some point he’d figure out that he was a fucking beast and start slicing dudes’ faces right the fuck off. Instead, he acts like a petulant child, bummed about a rash he got from sitting in his own poopy.

This game is your basic platformer: start at Point A travel a straight line (basically), get to Point B, collecting power-ups on the way. I know that doesn’t sound too too horrible but boring gameplay coupled with impossible gameplay is enough to make me flip my shit and murder my television and then myself in an incensed murder/suicide pact. It took me dozens of attempts to pass the first level. I’ll be the first to own up to the fact that I’m not the greatest gamer that has ever existed, but I can hold my own. In fact I’m the same way about making hump. I may take a couple of wrong turns and you’ll most certainly end up bruised and livid but I’ll get you there. I’m nothing if not importunate. With that in mind, I’m not completely deluded; I can accept my own shortcomings as a gamer and a plower of vagina, but I know where my own limitations end and the game’s relentless difficulty begin (or in the case of love-making, where her scabs prevent my oily burrito from penetrating).

I don’t think this game is difficult out of design, I think it’s solely out of laziness (i.e. why I like being on the bottom when playing hide my clammy pickle). This game makes me want to rip out my pubes by the fistful (I’m like a Viking in the undershorts region) and then cleave my dick with whatever I have lying around the house.


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