ESPN National Hockey Night

ESPN National Hockey Night
ESPN National Hockey Night

An ESPN game? Srsly? Do I actually HAVE to review this? Ugh. Fine. But I don’t want to ever hear anything about me not being a dedicated reviewer. It’s not all Chrono Triggers and Starfoxes. I wade through the crap too. Willingly. I’m THAT kind of reviewer.

So, ok, let’s get to it. ESPN National Hockey Night. Kinda like other nights, only this one is the National Hockey one. Oh, and ESPN threw its logo all over it… wait… Uhm. Yeah. There’s some gameage in here somewhere. Under one of the logos, I think. I mean, it’s really important that we know that it is an officially licensed NHL product. Wouldn’t want any of those fake hockey games.

Is there such a colour as puke blue? I get vertigo following the terrible attempt at a vanishing point in their sinking depth.  An architectural consultant could have saved you some epilepsy suits.
Is there such a colour as puke blue? I get vertigo following the terrible attempt at a vanishing point in their sinking depth. An architectural consultant could have saved them some epilepsy suits.

This game might be the saddest excuse for a sports game I’ve ever seen. Maybe. It’s a pretty low bar. I don’t want to give it too much credit for its suckiness. Don’t want it to seem remarkable in its asstacularness.

ESPN National Hockey Night manages to make one of the fastest sports an exercise in frustration at the slow speed of play. It’s bad enough that I can’t tell what player I’m controlling, or if my button presses are actually having any effect – but to sit through 5 seconds of loading every time the ref wants to blow his whistle… well… I’ll just go to a real game if I want to be bored to tears.

Joyest of days! More loading time!  You wouldn't know the SNES was cartridge based.  I've seen first-gen PS1 games load faster.  At least the Door Sim... errr Resident Evil 1 had zombies.
Joyest of days! More loading time! You wouldn't know the SNES was cartridge based. I've seen first-gen PS1 games load faster. At least the Door Sim... errr Resident Evil 1 had zombies.

There’s really not much else to say. Ooooh, the game features 2 VIEW MODES! Stop the presses! You can view the same pixelated pieces of shit on skates moving up and down or side to side. Le yays. You can experience pointlessness in 2 axes!

Blah, blah, blah, hardcoded SNES sound bites, blah, blah, blah, my mustache got stuck in my mic while I was reading my lines, blah, blah, bl... GOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!  Wait...
Blah, blah, blah, hardcoded SNES sound bites, blah, blah, blah, my mustache got stuck in my mic while I was reading my lines, blah, blah, bl... GOAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!! Wait...

The most amusing part of the game is the digital voiceovers by the ESPN sportscaster. I loled when he said “Ok, let’s go down to the ice for the puck drop.”. This game would be more fun if it were just him talking in a strangely SNES-sound-engine-like digitized voice about the weather, or the intricacies of shoe tying.

Verdict: ESPN National Hockey Night is uninteresting, uninformative, unpointful, unhelpful, undesirable, unfun, and unremarkable in every way other than the fact that it isn’t pathetic enough to actually deserve any praise for it. I’ll say no more lest it actually be remembered. Purge your brain now!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s