seaQuest DSV

I can't even remember what's supposed to be happening here. I blow shit up in a cigar-shaped submarine or something?

The Deep Sea: The penultimate frontier. These are the voyages of seaQuest DSV. Its three-season mission: to explore strange new bits of the world, to seek out new resources and new, uh, also resources, to boldly go where I guess plenty of men have gone before but not that deep into, you know.

Man, there’s something about submarines. It’s like, I think about being on the Enterprise or something and it doesn’t freak me out. I don’t know why but it doesn’t. But a high-tech Sea-nterprise? Agh. All that water, waiting to squeeze and buckle the tin can holding you and your precious oxygen (and food and job, presumably). Fuck that, I’m out. And I have to bunk with Jonathan Brandis? Not even an injection made of liquid Valium and sex-dreams could make me get on that goddamn boat. Plus, the captain has a history of attracting super-big sharks. Uh uh. No way. Not now, not never. That sounds like seahorse seahell to me.

Speaking of seahorses, why si it that everyone thinks they’re adorable and not CTHULIAN HORRORS? I mean shit. Look at them. They look like water fetuses and swim in a direction their shape should NOT allow. Their snouts are creepy and they can fuck a baby into THEMSELVES or something. YUCK. I HATE THE SEA.

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