Cutthroat Island


I’ve been playing this game for a little while now, and I’ve yet to see a single throat cut. Maybe they didn’t want to get an ‘M’ rating* on their game and so omitted the titular act. Who can say? Either way, just another in a long string of disappointments brought my way by playing video games. I should go outside instead where I’m way more likely to see throats getting cut. I guess I could play these games outside since I do it on a laptop and all.

Now I’m outside (as far as you know).

You can select one of two characters, and I chose the woman since I’m totally secure in my masculinity and don’t wish I was a pirate lady at all. Not even in the slightest. I certainly don’t close my eyes and picture myself as the buxom lady pirate being sprayed by sea foam on the cover of a Harlequin novel…OF WHICH I OWN EXACTLY ZERO. That would be ridiculous and you’re sort of weird for continually bringing it up while I’m trying to review this game.

Cutthroat Island begins as you wield your cutlass for the sole purpose of slaughtering men who all shop at the same store. You can jump around slashing them to death as they either come at you one at a time or clumsily surround you, a technique which has always been useless in any sort of media and super-effective in real life. The controls are snappy enough, but the enemies don’t provide much of a challenge until you arrive at the colourful boss who claims you will never get past him! I got past him. By stabbing him to death.

After that clown-killing debacle, I was off on a cart ride over hill and valley. I was able to dodge rocks and slam into more sad homos** until finally I ran into some guy with a club (I think it was a club; it could have been an umbrella or a very long and cylindrical book) and it was game over for me! I never did figure out why slamming into that guy meant I lost. As far as I’m concerned, running into someone with a cart is the purest victory, which is why I am always disappointed by Olympic events. So very hollow on your pedestal with your medals and applause; I’ll see you in the parking lot, Phelps.

Speaking of Olympic events, apparently Geena Davis – who stars in the movie this game is based upon – was a near-Olympic level archer! She’s also in Mensa! This means she could explain how an arrow is flying at you as she shoots you with it! Then she could slam a cart into your arrow-riddled corpse, her giant mouth twisted into the smile that only comes from the purest victory.

* I looked it up – the ESRB was founded in 1994, this game came out in 1995. I AM A LEGITIMATE VIDEO GAMES JOURNALIST DOING RESEARCH TO BRING YOU FACTUAL INFORMATION!

** Short for homogenous villains since they all dress the same – if you thought otherwise, you’re a terrible, terrible bigot.

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