Space Football Instructional Brochure
Welcome to Space Football! Before you get on the field (the ASTEROID FIELD, that is!!), please take some time to familiarize yourself with the basics of this space-age game. It is imperative that you pay close attention to this manual, lest your poor performance be attributed to your smaller-than-average cranial cavity. We begin!
Point of the Game
As with any game, the point of the game is to win. You win by grabbing the little flying saucer and zooming over and putting it with another flying saucer. If the two flying saucers fall in love and have babies, you score one point. If the flying saucers don’t fall in love, but still have babies, you score two points. (This is because it is less likely.) If the flying saucers fall in love, and have several babies, you score seven points. (This is because babies are required for the safety of all the citizens of earth.) If your opponent does any of these things, shame on you! He gets points! Mathematically, this is identical to you losing points. You should have been more careful.
The arrow buttons zoom. The B button shoots red flying saucers, which actually do nothing except make you fly backwards. Nothing else does anything.
We have chosen your opponent from the spice mines of Dangoo 6. He is dumb as a fish making a wish. The spice of Dangoo 6 makes one as dumb as a fish making a wish. It is for this reason that he is as dumb as a fish making a wish. This can be further illuminated by the realization that fishes who make wishes are not being proper fishes; proper fishes are rational hedonists — searching for pleasure, running from pain. A fish making a wish would be as dumb as a beetle eating a Hot Pocket. Your opponent is so dumb that, even if you don’t play the game, he will never score. Not ever. He has no clue how to do it.
We made your opponent dumb as a fish making a wish because you are as dumb as a monkey with a car key. You are so dumb that you cannot tell how far away the ball is. The only way you can tell if the ball is close to you is by driving at it. If it goes by you, it was close to you, but not where you thought it was. If it doesn’t go by you, but slides to either side of you, FOLLOW IT! The ball is wily and will attempt to escape! This must not be allowed! If the ball were too escape, the shield of babies protecting the earth from the sun’s dangerous rays would be penetrated! The world would explode!
Space is the final frontier. So is your mom. Thus, your mom = space. Since space = a vacuum, this explains the degree to which she sucks my dick.