Dear Chris Berman,
Hey, man. What’s up? I’m Will. I am writing you this letter to just let you know how huge of a fan I am of you. You are probably the best sportscaster in the history of sports and telecast. Some people might say it’s John Madden, but he’s a fat idiot. Some people might say Don Cherry, but I think he might be legally retarded or senile by now. I can’t even think of another sportscaster who works in the United States, and since the States are the entire world of sports, it is, and has always been, you, Chris Berman, champion of all sportscasters.
I watch Sportscenter every day. I love ESPN. Your razor wit gets me flust… no, not flustered; I don’t know what the right word is. But I like it. The nickname, Andre “Bad Moon” Rison, is a stroke of genius. I try calling my friends “Bad Moon” but, as their last names are not Rison, it doesn’t work. They just ask me, “Why’d you call me Bad Moon Fletcher?” I try to explain, but it never comes out right.
I know you have gained a lot of weight over the years, but don’t sweat it, man. John Madden eats a turkey with a duck in it with a chicken in it all the time, and he’s got an entire football video game series named after him. And he’s not good at the job like you are! Besides, it means there’s more of you to love, right? That’s a good thing. I mean, if you’re into that.
The best is that, for the most part, you are an amazing judge of strength. You’re kind of like me in that respect. You know how to look for a stud quarterback. You know how to understand whose defensive line is made of iron and whose is made of glass. You know the difference between foolish, childish lust and a love that has clearly existed for dozens of reincarnations before this one.
If I could have one wish in my life, Chris Berman, it would be to meet you. Just once. It wouldn’t even need to be long; a fleeting glance across the field at the Super Bowl; a Sam Adams at a truck stop on the I-91; a moment where our fingers accidentally intertwine in a crowd watching some football game or whatever somewhere; anything. I just want to meet you because I know you are a perceptive man and I know you will understand how much I respect you… and you’ll respect me in the same way. I want us to respect each other.
Chris Berman, you could… go… all… the… way.