Choplifter III

HELI-FUCKIN-COPTER
HELI-FUCKIN-COPTER

What is there to say about Choplifter III that you couldn’t determine from looking at a single screen of the game? You control a little helicopter that flies back and forth picking up people in grey suits and blowing up people in brown suits. Sometimes you blow up huts or tanks. You carry the little people in grey suits back to your base and you drop them off. The last little person in a grey suit that leaves your helicopter (or “chopper,” if you will) gives a festive wave as he successfully runs inside the air-conditioned base where he cries like the tiny useless coward he is. Let him sit there in a puddle of his own tears and piss and LET THE REAL MEN, THE MEN IN THE HELICOPTER, DO MANLY MAN WORK*.

Really, there’s nothing much to this game, unless in later levels they mix it up and you start dropping people off for dentist appointments and dance recitals. The graphics are pretty basic and the music is tinny and repetitive. Helicopter.

Helicopter.

Choplifter III makes it stupidly easy to pilot a helicopter, which I can certainly tell you is not. I can certainly tell you this because I’ve looked at a real helicopter from a distance and said “Yeah that’s not an easy thing to fly, I bet” and also I heard it on television. Maybe even twice. Just ask Vic Morrow about how hard it is to fly a helicopter!

There is no way all those people – even if they are very small – can fit inside your helicopter at once. Or can they? Maybe they’re lying on top of each other, or the helicopter is really long and spacious. I don’t know and I care about as much as I know.

The expansion pack for Left4Dead came out just recently so I think I’ll play that instead and leave these little grey people to their own devices: dying alone in huts.

* this consists of military-style blowjobs, which are like regular blowjobs except you wear a uniform and occasionally salute.

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