At first, I thought this would be one of those terrible (a relative term, I’m sure) historical simulation games from Japan. It turns out that it’s a porn film! Let’s enjoy!
Romance of the Three Kingdoms IV: Wall of Fire
Screenplay by Michael Heavyhand
Camera fades in on a really hot girl with awesome huge tits. Pan to really hot dude, but not in a gay way. Heterosexual panning motion.
King Nesbit: I was informed recently that you are an awesome lay, Princess Isabel of the neighbouring kingdom of Planzia.
Princess Isabel: I feel that it is necessary to inform you that those rumors are only half true.
King Nesbit: Whatever do you mean, my darling? Is there some treachery afoot?
Pincess Isabel: Nay! It is true that I am an awesome lay during the nighttime, but during the day I get grouchy and sad and don’t like sex at all.
King Nesbit: Dear me! Well, if I can only have you in the night, I will simply have to find some other coochy-coo for the daytime.
Princess Isabel: Seems logical.
Narrator: And so the king made his way to Azrabal, which was about a hundred thousand miles away, and found that princess, too!
Shot of him riding a horse, but with no penetration.
Princess Gangu: Hello, large man!
King Nesbit: I tire of your games, lass! Bring on the lovemaking!
Princess Gangu: Wait! My father may be home at any minute!
King Nesbit: The King of Azrabal?
Princess Gangu: HE!
King Nesbit: O’ shit!
King of Azrabal: Who’s fucking my daughter?!
King Nesbit: Actually, I’m not.
King of Azrabal: I’ve arrived just in time! It looks like you were about to stick your rod into something lubricated!
King Nesbit: It’s true! It is a Romance of the Three Kingdoms!
Princess Isabel: It was really hot in the car and… oh… hot… old men…. women…. daughters… lubrication…. romance…
King Nesbit: Ladies, commence your dance of love!
Ladies do dance of love
King Nesbit: Excellent.
Narrator: And they had so much sex that the desert dried up and it snowed. Next week: Roman bath houses! Find out how you can get low with Cicero in this special two-parter.