Kid Ying is an old man now. He sits by his campfire, smoking a pipe, saying how he used to be a real badass back in the day. We don’t believe him. He’s about as badass as a fish with a weird face.
He tells us stories when the sun goes down. They aren’t scary – just fuckin’ weird. He leans forward in his chair so that the flickering firelight emphasizes the wrinkles in his face. He speaks to us in a cracked tone that we can tell he’s putting on, ya know, for the effect.
“I was the Mystical Ninja,” he says, looking at each of us in turn.
We don’t say anything. We’re asshole kids.
“One day… my town… everyone in my town… WAS TURNED INTO GHOSTS! Well, except all the people in the inside. And except for me. But everyone else! That day, my friend came to me and SHOUTED at me for a while about some kinda princess… or… I don’t know. He shouted cause that’s the way we all talked back then. Everything was very, very capitalized.
“Then I went outside, and everyone was really pissed off, but randomly so. There was a naked guy with a fish running around. When he touched me, he hurt me! At first I said, ‘ooohhh, must be an electric fish! Ahhhh so!’
“But everyone in the town was running around like that, not with fish, but with intent!! There was this guy with a stick who was just jabbin’ it randomly around… well anyway.
“Then this girl was all like, ‘there’s a fuckin’ cloud! Someone! What the shit! ARRRHHHHGGG’ and she turned into a bouncing meatball!! And everyone else turned into ghosts!! And so I went to a place called HORO and fought my way through fireballs and bouncing umbrellas in stilettos and–
“How did you fight them?” Jimmy interrupted, biting a hunk off of his bison leg.
“He’s the fuckin’ Mystical Ninja,” I said, “He used Ninja skillz on ’em!”
“Fuck off, both of ya!” Yelled Kid Ying, “I whacked ’em with my pipe here and threw coins at ’em!”
“Like Mario!” said Stevie, in awe.
“Fuck Mario! Where the heck was I? Right! So after I un-ghosted the town by whackin’ pie trays back at the genie, I go home. Am I greeted as a hero? NO! People still runnin’ around, looking for someone to hurt!”
“Wadja do then?” asked Junior Mint.
“I killed ’em all! Every last one of ’em.” Said Kid Ying, solemnly.
Suddenly, Jimmy jumped up! “Got you, you wanker!” he yelled, clouting old Kid Ying with a billy club.
We stared at him.
“Sorry, kids. It’s been forever trying to get a confession from this wanker. Killed a whole town, he did! Little kids, too! The whole time he was yellin’ ‘I killed the genie and I get no respect!’ Seems like he was a bit mental.” He looked around with his hands on his hips, taking satisfied breath after satisfied breath. “Well,” he said, “Toodles!”
“Bye Mr. English police officer!”
I think this game is a parody of something, but I don’t know what.