Move around slowly and isometrically. Mash the attack button. Take mostly inevitable damage. Eventually die. Hit continue.
In the arcade, this game and its horrible kin, the beatemup, had a purpose: to empty your pockets of quarters. That’s all there was to it. These games don’t even count as games, in my mind. They’re more mindless than snakes and ladders.
On a console, its true ugliness is revealed. Now, this game exists solely to waste your time. It offers nothing whatsoever beyond that. It is the purest of bad video games. It is revolting. It is counting down the seconds until you’re a corpse.
To play this game is to stare into an existential void, because you have nothing else to look at.