Battle Grand Prix

A race against mediocrity
A race against mediocrity

Battle Grand Prix is an excellent metaphor for my life: though I’m generally unaware of where I’m headed, I go there as quickly as possible and move erratically to defeat the attempts of imaginary snipers.

Continuing this AMAZINGLY accurate metaphor, I often crash headfirst into bags of sand and/or barrels and spin around in circles. Spending this much time in hospital beds grants me many opportunities to write reviews of SNES games! I’ve been explicitly told by doctors to stop doing this since it takes away from my will to live, but I stopped listening to medical advice as it conflicts with my love of drug cocktails. Drugs are fantastic! Take note of this, minors: now is the best time to experiment with as many drugs as possible because your still developing bodies are pretty resilient – not to mention there are a lot of nice adults that will give you all sorts of drugs if you just close your eyes and imagine that you’re at the doctor.

Seriously kids, drugs are great. I think I speak for everyone at Every Game Ever when I say you should do as many of them as often as possible. Mix and match! See what craaaazy combos you can create. Has anyone ever done heroin, speed, LSD, meth and HIGH-GRADE MAPLE SYRUP rectally? You can be the first! (You probably won’t be the first)

Let’s talk about the game for a little while so I don’t get fired from this website.

Have you ever wanted to play a racing game where you can’t really see where you’re going and your upcoming turns are determined by arrows that flash across the top of the screen a split-second before you spin out of control because you’re horrible at playing games and write reviews containing run-on sentences? Battle Grand Prix is the arrowful, crashtastic opportunity for which you’ve been waiting! It will help you to invent new curse words, many of which involve Dale Earnhardt’s grieving family and their sexual orientation.

But enough about Battle Grand Prix! I think we as a country have more important things to do with our collective time than opine on the various aspects of Battle Grand Prix. What has Battle Grand Prix really ever done for society? Did it invent penicillin? No. Did Battle Grand Prix contribute to the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989? Again, no. Did Battle Grand Prix have anything to do with producing the excellent E4 drama Skins? Surprisingly yes because Maxxie’s wardrobe was completely financed by racing video games. I don’t know what that last sentence was supposed to mean: I write with my heart, not my brain. That’s why most of my work is about pumping blood through blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions and also Wikipedia.

Why should you waste your time playing this game when you can go out and steal a real race car? Your drug cocktail should be going full bore now and this sounds like an amazing idea! DO IT!

One thought on “Battle Grand Prix

  1. Try the ‘slot car’ mode.

    Then wait for the rain to hit or your tires to wear down. Do not immediately pit.

    The computer will be steering for you, tethering you to the middle of the track, and you will STILL crash.

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