Primal Rage

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. If life hands you prehistoric monsters, make lemonade, then watch them fuck each other up. Primal Rage is a what-if game that asks the question, “What if the Mayans were into dinosaurs?” Truth is, Mayans probably didn’t know about dinosaurs. They had to wait for us Westerners to come along and awaken the past, with our shovels and our cerebellums. So, really, this is a game about Mayans who time travel to the present, which is their future, in order to learn about the dinosaurs, which exist in their past, then travel to their past, also our past, and capture some dinosaurs… to make them fight. While they were in the present, their future, they predicted that it would all go to shit around 2012. And they would know; they are time travelers.

Speaking of time traveling, I saw a movie once where a guy and a girl were in love, but they didn’t live in the same time period. Instead they communicated by putting mail in a magic mailbox that linked their times. Sandra Bullock was like, “I like you!” and Keanu Reeves was like, “Lemme come see you!” but then she was like, “No! You’ll be hit by a bus!” because she had already seen him get hit by a bus when he tried to do this. So then Keanu was like, “Oh shit, really? Well I won’t come then!” And then he came, but a little later, and didn’t get hit by a bus. True story: the bus he was hit by was traveling at 50 mph. There’s a tie in for you. OMG! TERRORISTS AND I’M DRIVING A BUS AND… is that me? LOOK OUT ME!” But it’s like Schrodinger’s cat, right? It is simultaneously Keanu and not-Keanu (probably just some dude who looks like Keanu). The difference here is that Keanu and guy-who-looks-like-Keanu look the same, so you can’t determine the outcome by observation. The only one who can determine the outcome is Sandra Bullock, who loves Keanu SO MUCH it makes me cry.

Directive: Make his brain explode. (Seriously.)

What’s really funny about this game is that it looks like it uses FMV. They put too many pixels in them dinosaurs and now they look like they’re trying to look like photographs.

But really, why would dinosaurs fight, anyway? Everyone knows that dinosaurs were benevolent creatures who really just wanted to worship a big tree. Then some humans came and created mammalian life, so that dream was over. Honestly, people and their furry ancestors. They just don’t know when to stop killing species.

For all of those people who want a real review (instead of this BULLSHIT), check this out: I think this game sucks rocks, man. Wanna know why? Fuckin’ hard shit! Also: totally impossible to control. Also: I picked a dude named Vertigo, and he is AWFUL. I thought maybe he’d be some kind of flying dinosaur, or at least be tall. NO! He is small and weak and doesn’t fly. He lives up to his name. He reminds me of Liza Minnelli  in Arrested Development.

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