Kirby’s Avalanche

A pile of goo, much like you, dear reader
Eh, captions.

TRANSCRIPT ARCHIVES
LOCAL NEWS AFFILIATE 317 WITH DON KREIMSICLE

AFFILIATE 317: We turn now to local news with a live report from Don Kreimsicle. Don?

KREIMSICLE: Some locals are calling it a sign of the Apocalypse, others are calling it “sort of adorable in a dangerous way, like a puppy cannon.” Yet others shake their heads and walk back inside to watch Celebrity Jackhammer or Who Wants to be a Millionaire’s Wife? Whatever their reaction, no one here can deny that it’s a crazy spectacle outside of the “good” Wal-Mart.

THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON A PILE OF MULTI-COLOURED BLOB CREATURES STACKED ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. THEY LOOK FRIGHTENED, THEIR TINY BULGING EYES DARTING BACK AND FORTH. THEY FALL QUICKLY FROM ABOVE AND THE PILE GROWS HIGHER. DARTING BACK AND FORTH, WE CAN SEE KIRBY MOVING THE LITTLE CREATURES WHERE HE WANTS THEM. WHAT ARE HIS DARK DESIGNS?

KREIMSICLE: We’ve asked a number of eye-witnesses to describe the scene for us. This is Miriam Yogenfruz, a local dermatologist and forklift operator. Tell us Miriam, when did this all start?

MIRIAM YOGENFRUZ: That thing, that Kirby, he walked out in front of the Wal-Mart and started screaming. He wasn’t saying anything I could understand, he was just making noise. A lot of—uh, a lot of noise. After about five minutes of constant, horrible screaming, another little creature wandered up to Kirby and asked him if he “wanted a bomb sandwich.” At first I was scared since it had a bomb, but then I realized it was one of those dumb novelty bombs like you see in cartoons.

KREIMSICLE: What happened next?

MIRIAM YOGENFRUZ: Well, the little bomb thing started screaming too, and pretty soon he and Kirby were just screaming really really loud in each others’ faces. After that, those little colourful doodads started falling from the sky and they both began stacking them. Sometimes the little doodads will disappear if they stack enough of them on top of each other. When that happens, a bunch of dead doodads fall from the sky and make the stacking harder. It’s kind of boring to watch after a while, but I bet it would be fun to do.

MIRIAM BEGINS INCHING TOWARDS THE PILE OF “DOODADS” WHEN KIRBY NOTICES HER APPROACH AND BEGINS TO HISS LOUDLY. MIRIAM IS SLOWLY DRAWN TOWARDS THE TINY CREATURE BY AN INESCAPABLE FORCE. HER HAIR TURNS GREY SUDDENLY AND SHE SCREAMS AS HER BODY FOLDS IN TWO AND IS COMPLETELY CONSUMED BY KIRBY.

KREIMSICLE: Oh my God! Oh my God! What is—what is it doing?! Oh my God, you’ll—

A WHIRLWIND OF DEBRIS BEGINS TO OBSCURE THE CAMERA LENS; SCREAMS ARE HEARD, AS IS THE SOUND OF BREAKING GLASS. THE FEED SUDDENLY CUTS TO STATIC.

AFFILIATE 317: Thank you, Don. Now over to weather with Smiles Happyman. Smiles?

HAPPYMAN: I love snow! And rain! I love them so much!

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