Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City

All-star Michael Jordan powers through the defense in the sewers beneath Chicago, a notable achievement despite the defense's lack of arms, hands or legs.

MAD SCIENTIST KIDNAPS ALL-STAR CHARITY BASKETBALL TEAM, DEFEATED BY MICHAEL JORDAN

CHICAGO, IL – An evil scientist known only as Dr. Cranium was defeated today by famous basketball player Michael Jordan, who bludgeoned the scientist’s minions into nonexistence with a seemingly unending supply of basketballs hurled with great force, witnesses say.

Cranium’s attempt to kidnap the the all-star charity game lineup, including a number of players nowhere near as famous as Michael Jordan, was foiled in a number of bizarre locations which have nothing to do with basketball.  One of them, as is customary in these situations, was a sewer, and predictably populated by spiders, bats, floating eyeballs, and zombies.

These hideous obstacles didn’t stop Jordan, though; witnesses report that, at worst, Jordan grunted and seemed to flicker slightly when injured by his monstrous foes.

“I mean, sometimes he’d just fall over and I’d hear this really somber music, after he got hit a bunch of times,” one bemused sewer worker claims, having seen part of the incident while sifting for change in the slimy depths. “But then he’d just try to get past the same place, over and over, you know, just keep trying.  Throwing those basketballs.  Eventually he’d get it right and move on to the next part.  It was something to see.  He’s got heart, you know?”

When asked for his thoughts on the shocking events, Jordan had this to say:

“Yeah, I just feel like we did a really good job out there, you know, put in a hundred percent, focused on our fundamentals, you know, like throwing the ball at the top of my jump so it wouldn’t hit the edge of a platform and disappear, right.  It’s just a team effort, you know, really gotta keep pushing, keep our heads down and work hard, and we did that, right, and that’s how it’s done, that’s how you win games, and also beat evil scientists.  I have nothing but respect for Cranium and his team, though, you know, they’re good guys, they work hard, but they just couldn’t pull it through this time, you know, and sometimes that’s the way it goes, you know, that’s the way it goes down.  But we did a good job out there, you know, stayed positive, worked hard, and that’s what it’s all about, you know.”

The all-star charity game has been rescheduled for next Saturday, immediately after Dr. Cranium’s lynching that same morning.

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