Super Battletank 2

Driving a tank isn't as glamorous as I'd hoped

Like many SNES games I’ve had the “pleasure*” of reviewing, Super Battletank 2 had a promising name and concept. Tanks are pretty awesome, but what’s better than a tank? A BATTLEtank! A goddamned BATTLEtank. I mean, I know tanks are already supposed to be used in battle, so the addition of the “battle” prefix must mean these tanks are like, optimized for battle or something. Shit! A BATTLETANK!

But then just when you’re calming down from hearing the news that you’re going to be driving a BATTLETANK, there’s more: it’s a SUPER BATTLETANK. Holy shit! So better than a regular tank, and better than a battletank, it’s a fuckin’ SUPER BATTLETANK! Fuck! How can you even contain your excitement at this moment in time? Why aren’t you pissing all over the place? You should drink something, you look tired.

Maybe by now you’ve come to kind of comprehend that you’re going to be driving  SUPER BATTLETANK and then they hit you with the “2.” It’s Super Battletank 2. These guys have done this before. Super battletanks are old hat to them now. They have like 12 super battletanks parked in their driveway, no big deal. “Oh, this old thing? Just one of my super battletanks. I’m thinking about selling that one to make room for a boat.”

Suffice it to say, I was hyped to play this game. It didn’t have the word “baseball” anywhere near it, and I had vivid fantasies of rolling around and crushing and blasting and hollering with my super battletank. It was going to be the best SNES gaming experience ever. But then I went and did something dumb like play the game.

Assuming you have some, cut off your legs. Now get someone to cut off your arms. Now have them throw your armless legless mass inside a refrigerator box with a small window cut out in the front. Once that’s done, have them carry your limbless body inside of that refrigerator box to a public park and get them to put it down in a sandbox. Now that you can’t really move or do anything aside from turn your head back and forth and look at sand while aware of the fact that you’ll be dead soon, congratulations! You’re playing the real life version of Super Battletank 2!

I knew I was in a tank in the game because my screen had gauges and dials on it and if I pushed a button then my cannon would shoot. That was briefly entertaining, but I quickly realized I couldn’t really move around and there was nothing to shoot at so I gave up and my dreams all died.

* The quotation marks mean that I’m being sarcastic, and didn’t really have any pleasure while playing any of those games. At least not from the games.

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