Battletoads & Double Dragon

IT'S IN THREE-D! SORT OF!

This is the fourth time I have written this. Lost twice due to computer crashing, once due to hard drive failure, and once due to the fact that I’m really sick but wrote it on my work computer, which is at work, because it seems to be the only computer in my life that isn’t crashing daily… you don’t care about my problems. Am I trying to kid myself?

Battletoads and Double Dragon is, in essence, Battletoads. Double Dragon has an influence here or there, but make no mistake: from the first level’s spaceship exterior to the following jetbikes and spelunking levels, it’s BT through and through, just slightly remixed.

This is the first game we’ve played multiplayer for this: I, as the Battletoad Rash, and Brian, as the… Double Dragon? I forget his name. Ricky or Bobby or Jimmy or something suitably borderline-white-trash-kung-fu-movie-from-the-80s. Sorry if that’s your name. I’m sure in the context of you it’s a wonderful name.

DONT FUCK WITH ABOBO

This game is a joy to play. The combat, while not among the best beat ’em ups of all time, is made up for by the fact that there are so many gimmicks. Once you run across the first level, and figure out that headbutting everyone is the only way to stay safe, you go into a spaceship thing where you can knock guys into the ground like tent pegs. Then you get to hit people with the legs of giant robots. Then you’re in a jetbike, kicking douchebag-looking guys and jumping over stuff (this, btw, is the best example of 3D I have seen in a Super Nintendo game, period). then you’re descending into a pit on a rope. If it’s anything like the other games (I didn’t get that far in this one), there’s an ice level as well, with brutal falling icicles everywhere, and a level with giant snakes that you need to stand on as they float through some weird snake nest thing.

Anyway, here’s the thing: this game is a lot of fun. It feels very glidy, as if the entire game is an ice level, but it gives your attacks a degree of momentum that makes it incredibly satisfying. Who owns the rights to this franchise, anyway? I tried playing detective a while ago, and I think I succeeded, but that was about 3 rewrites ago and I can’t be bothered to do it again. It may be Rare, or EA, or Tradewest, or Williams, or Midway, or, hell, it could be Microsoft even that this point. Whoever it is, MAKE A NEW BATTLETOADS GAME. It’s ripe for the nostalgic ruining. I can’t wait to not like these games anymore.

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