Out to Lunch


Let’s be clear: this game promotes a very unhealthy lifestyle and ignores the basic tenets of hygiene. Chief among those tenets is the idea that you should not eat cake that you find on the ground, even if it was in the fridge at one point. “Eat not the floor cake, lest a great mistake you make,” as the rhyme I just made up goes. I know cake is delicious, and sometimes the temptation is nearly overwhelming, but again: don’t eat cake that’s on the floor. Okay, now let’s talk about this game. Anyone who says anything about cake and falsehood gets punched in the face.

In Out to Lunch you play the role of a tiny chef who clearly lacks discipline! How can a chef worth his salt* allow his food run out of the refrigerator and wreak havoc across the countryside? Gordon Ramsay would spit vitriol at this tiny chef until I inevitably got bored of his froth and changed the channel. I’ve never watched Gordon Ramsay for more than five minutes at a stretch, even though I’m a big fan of inexplicably angry assholes. “Please sir, come into my place of employment and tell me how worthless I am and swear and me and oh god uhhhhnnn”—it’s food porn meets regular dom porn as far as I’m concerned. Hell’s Kitchen, not Out to Lunch. SNES games have a very obvious derth of sadomasochism outside of the Ninja Gaiden series, one area in which the Sega Genesis was undisputed king, with entries like “Hit Me In My Worthless Face, Master” and “Grind My Balls.” Good games.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Out to Lunch, as usual! Heyyy! Anyway, this game is another straightforward yet pleasant platformer that you can pick up and play until you’re bored. You could do better probably, but you could also do a lot worse, so don’t worry about it! Just run around and catch some cheese in a net. Jump up and to the side. Repeat! Once you’ve collected enough bits of food, you toss them into a giant pile which you then shape into a grotesque woman made of meat and cheese and then the horror truly begins. In many ways, Out to Lunch was the proto-Silent Hill. A feast of terror and perversion. I can still hear the squishing noises.

Speaking of madness, look at how many of these games we’ve reviewed! Check out that sidebar—isn’t that crazy? Pretty soon you’ll be able to click on the name of any SNES game and get a basic idea of what it’s called and then maybe one accurate thing about it.

We’re living in the goddamn future right now. When I was a kid I would have killed for something like this, instead of for no reason at all. But that’s progress for you: always giving you a new reason to murder. Life sure is funny and brief sometimes!

* His salt escaped too!!!

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