Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

I hate you, Bullwinkle.
I hate you, Bullwinkle.

I am taking a brief break from downloading pornography to review the SNES game “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends.”

In the interest of full disclosure, it should be mentioned that I have a very poor attention span in general, and for video games in particular. Not giving games more than a second chance is the way I roll. One of the ways I roll. I have many ways in which I roll, most of which are too obscene to write about, even on the Internet.

I had to play “The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends” several times to write a review – next time I would rather be waterboarded. This game sucks. I will list some ways.

First, I hate Rocky and Bullwinkle. I watched the cartoon because it was on television and I was a child who watched a lot of television. I hate the jokes on the show, and their 4th wall breaking makes me want to murder an actual moose and squirrel, which I would then dress up like the titular characters to beat their dead bodies into a fine red paste with a hammer. Even as a dumb, easily-entertained child I expressed this opinion, which was a ticket to a series of psychological evaluations. Here’s a tip for you, kids: don’t talk about mutilating dead animals with a hammer! You will have to explain your feelings and drink a lot of calming teas.

Second, this game is insanely difficult. Maybe it’s the years of substance abuse, but I just can’t seem to get very far in this game without giving up in disgust when fucking Bullwinkle is crushed to death on top of an unforgiving mountain, Dudley Do-Right is struck and killed by a train, or Sherman is toasted by a stoned-looking dragon while Mr. Peabody looks on with his typical smug indifference. If Mr. Peabody was my dog I would have him neutered without anesthetic.

Third, this game somehow manages to be uglier than the hideous cartoon. How is this possible? I experience actual physical revulsion when I look at the game’s title screen; I grow short of breath and my hands claw at my eyes. I consider calling the paramedics – they would understand, right? One of them has been a paramedic for 20 years and he looks at me and says “My God, I thought the nightmare was over. Why would someone play this game again?” He runs a shaking hand over his weather-beaten face as he prepares to tell my loved ones that it’s too late.

Fourth, fuck this game. This is the game you give as a present to someone you don’t love.

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5 thoughts on “Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

  1. Mr. Peabody used the time machine to visit WWII Germany’s death camps so he could sip tea and chortle as people died in front of him. He’s a monster.

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