Yo ho holy shit

Skuljagger: Revolt of the Westicans is a game where you play as a swashbuckler who battles against the minions of a pirate warlord. Presumably you’re playing as a Westican as you do this, but I don’t think we can call it much of a revolt if you are. You’re a lone guy buckling swash, chewing bubblegum and picking up crystals. One guy. Maybe instead of Army of One, you’re like Dolph Lungren’s less disciplined cousin and you’re a Revolt of One. Where are the other Westicans? What are you, Westicans or Westican’ts? Get out there and stab some pirates!

Allow me to dwell on this for a few more words: Revolt of the Westicans. Does the game not follow the other adventures the other Westicans are having? Granted I didn’t play the game for very long, and maybe it covers their stories or at least alludes to them, but for some reason I doubt it. What I see here is an entire people leaving their fate and freedom in the hands of one guy. A chosen guy, if you will. Westicans, let me explain something to you: this never works.

Sure, you see it all the time in fantasy fiction: a single dude or lady (or sometimes a little group) is bestowed with the incredible responsibility of being the CHOSEN ONE(s) and have to oust the ultimate evil so that everyone can return to being proper bored while they starve to death. But IN REAL LIFE (which is important and relevant to the world of Skuljagger), one versus many almost always turns out poorly for the one. Just ask me about my ongoing battle against the state of Missouri.

This game is a standard platformer with fairly bad graphics. Its enemies don’t really fit with the subject matter, unless pirates and swashbucklers were well known for their battles against slow-flying giant wasps or slow-walking armoured guys who slowly fire slow rifles. The slow enemies move slowly. Most of the time I was killed by the poor level design because I couldn’t quite figure out where I was supposed to be jumping—or, on occasion, my jump would terminate with me landing on an enemy. These gaps in perception make me glad my life is an FPS (first person Scott) and not a side-scroller.

If you’re looking for a forgettable game about an indifferent society that leaves its fate in the hands of a dude who can’t button his shirt and really likes chewing gum but not kicking ass, then Skuljagger: Revolt of the Westicans is the game for you to consider before changing your mind about looking for such an oddly specific game in the first place.

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