Mega Man Soccer

It only belongs to Megaman because he runs the fastest. That's all that matters in the world of low-stakes deathbot teamsports.

It’s 200_-whatever-the-fuck and robots something something.  We’ve all been there.  Fucking Dr. Wily and Dr. Light comparing robo-boners throughout time while destroying the world probably because they both had a crush on the same nerdy girl in their highschool AV club except that she actually liked Billy Walthers who played baseball.  She liked baseball because the statistics were fun and her and Billy had a lot to talk about as a result.

SO ANYWAY these two run around breaking shit up.  It wouldn’t be so tragic if Dr. Light didn’t always win with his surefire Quality Over Quantity strategy.  At this point Dr. Wily probably has the lowest self-esteem of all time.  He’s sullen.  His latest skull palace is filled with tiny dying cacti from the henchman housewarming.  He won’t answer his phone when you call and you always have to leave a message.  You know he won’t call back.  His few friends have stopped trying to get him to come out because he’ll always say “maybe” but then never comes.

So one day Wily checks his email on one of those stupid robots with the helmets that are designed for squatting or whatever, I guess.  And he gets this message about his nephew and how much he loves soccer.  His nephew feels accepted and he feels like a winner even if all he’s doing is standing at backfield and maybe dribbling a little before giving the ball up to some bigger kid without asthma. They’ll even go out for a team pizza party if they lose.

Wily has an epiphany.

If he can convince Dr. Light to take him on in a game of soccer with their robotic creations, he can finally be considered an equal!  He can, at the very least, feel like the winner his mother always told him he was.  This is because soccer is like sports-based socialism in that the very act of participation makes you part of the success.  Even if you don’t win.

Everyone was apparently better at DIF than RUN. Fucking useless robots.

Anyway, they don’t tell you any of this in the introduction screens of Mega Man Soccer.  I guess it’s implied.  I dunno… because otherwise what the fuck are we doing playing soccer and why are all these guys who normally shoot at each other on the same team if not for the purpose of feeling like winners for once.  I mean, really.

It’s a pretty good soccer game though… there are balls, slides, headbutts (only on balls though, tee hee), gooooooooaaaaaaaaaalllllls, passing to centre, passing to wing, passing to centre, passing to wing, passing back, passing back to centre, passing to wing… this game has all the things I’d think one would need to call it a soccer game with robots with the exception of remorseless carnage but I guess we can’t have everything.

I would watch WAY more soccer if it took place on a fire or needle field.

But really though, this is all about allowing Dr. Wily to feel good about himself.

To quote Dr. Charles Klosterman: “To say you love soccer is to say you believe in enforced equality more than you believe in the value of competition and the capacity of the human spirit.”

And then at the pizza party, fifty-six innocent bystanders are slain and the few survivors spin tales about a brutal robot fracas over who gets the last slice.

Or something.

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