First Samurai

I don't know what the fuck is going on here.  There's a...there's a <i>giant head</i> and what looks like some meat on the ground, on the right, and...is that a <i>xenomorph?</i> Like, from Aliens?  And he's got an arm for a lifebar, and some Klingon Empire symbols, and...yes, according to the bottom right he can use the Force, too.
I don't know what the fuck is going on here.

Look at that screenshot.

What the hell is that?

There’s a giant head, and some meat on the ground, and is that a xenomorph? Like, one of the things from Aliens? His life bar is a big muscly arm, for god’s sake, and he’s got about nine hundred items, including axes, potions, and…I don’t know what that is, is it a flute? A lantern maybe?  He’s also got what looks like a symbol for the Klingon Empire, there, which is obviously completely appropriate.

And he can use the Force.

I bet his name is Musashi Picard, his sword is called Terminator, and his horse is named Bladerunner.

Okay.  Alright.  Let’s actually look at how the game plays.

It begins with a shrieking blue-white spirit-head that circles an altar for approximately twelve hours before you magically appear, and then you run around punching and kicking until suddenly you get a sword, at which time your hero cries out “MY SWORD!” in case you weren’t paying attention.  Your punch and kick buttons now produce sword attacks.  I’m not really sure why there are punch and kick buttons.

As soon as you walk into the cave area to the right, there’s bats and about sixteen powerups per screen and leaping xenomorphs and ninjas and giant stone heads that try to eat you and collapsing floors between pillars suspending you over roaring flames and drumsticks and hams lying around and bizarre white-text tooltips floating in random places saying ATTACK HERE FOR SUCCESS! or equivalent gibberish and axes and falling boulders and what the fuck, man.

If a kid had really serious ADD, and you beat him to death with a rolled-up Castlevania strategy guide, this is what would flash before his eyes.

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