Wood beats skin. Skin beats fire! Fire beats wood.
Wood beats skin. Skin beats fire! Fire beats wood.

In one of the opening screens of Combatribes, it refers to New York City as the “center of all evil” and “Ground Zero” with a picture of the World Trade Center in the background. Need I be the one to jump to the only logical conclusion that this game was made by Al-Qaeda, warning the video gaming populace of the United States of the devastation to come? Apparently I need be.

It’s little wonder the attacks of September 11th were done in such a way that took the lives of the terrorists themselves—if this game is any indication, dying in a fiery plane crash would be a far better fate than attempting to take on the average American citizen in a hand to hand fight. You can select from three characters in this game, and they’re all insanely massive. I think the average height of Berserker, Bullova and Blitz is somewhere in the realm of 6’10”, but my math might be off since I’m just guessing and screw you for making me do math in the first place, you pedantic nerd.

As a quick side note, it strikes me that a good way to build worldwide fear of America’s ire might be to get Brock Lesnar on television more often with the caption “America’s favorite little champ!” underneath him whenever possible. Brock Lesnar is only 6’3″, so compared to regular U.S. citizens like Bullova, he’s practically a dwarf*! They could use a few camera tricks to make other people look larger than him through forced perspective: a type of nodal point psychological warfare! Tell me this isn’t the best idea. Anyway, back to a SNES game or something.

Combatribes is another wonderful entry in the “Dudes beating up other dudes on a street” genre, and includes all that normally entails. You can punch guys. You can kick guys. I think you can even jump kick guys! Be still, my freakishly huge heart. That said, I found these styles of attack particularly useless in the face of “Guy with giant piece of wood” who routinely beat the crap out of me until I died. Sadly I couldn’t figure out which button on my keyboard was Continue, so I got to try playing as each different character. They all fell to devastating “Guy who was interrupted building his deck” attacks.

This game taught me two valuable things about Al-Qaeda: 1) They think Americans are gigantic monsters. 2) They think that gigantic monsters can always be beaten by wooden boards.

Wait, did I say valuable?

* or midget, or little person, or tiny little man, or whatever your preferred method of referring to people that are significantly shorter than average is. Yeah, I know a lot of those terms don’t mean the same thing, and some are probably really offensive, but writing this sentence was way faster than looking up which was which and my patience for research is shorter than you.

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