Plok! is the noise a very satisfying SNES game makes in your head when you play it. It’s the sound of disbelief neurons slowly dying as you find yourself playing a SNES game that isn’t a complete waste of time/money/plastic/carbon footprint/chi power—I’m a scientist and this is a science fact. I’ve never received formal science education, but that’s just, like, how they put your mind in a cage or something. Brains should be free! GATTACA! GATTACA!

The titular character is a leprous flag fetishist with an intense racial hatred of fleas. Realizing one day that one of his favourite “wank flags” (flags used for the purpose of intense and often painful masturbation) has been stolen, he drags his swollen and decaying carcass out the door and murders his way toward it. He can fling his scabby limbs at enemies, and the last thing they see before they die is his swollen red fist or foot rocketing directly at their faces. Coincidentally, this is also the last thing many saw at that barbecue at Jackie Chan’s house when he had that allergic reaction to shellfish.

Eventually finding his flag to great relief (more than one kind of relief), Plok! returns home, only to discover that fleas have stolen all his other flags and replaced them with flags of their own. Clearly, this is a turn-off to Plok!, who then busies himself by undoing this great affront, one Death Wish style execution after another. Soon the islands run red (or the appropriate flea colour) with blood!

There are many things to like about Plok! besides its bizarre noir-sexual undertones and gritty depiction of life-threatening disease. For instance, the graphics are bright and well-drawn, and nothing is frustratingly indistinct as you’ll often find in the murky offerings of other SNES titles. The level design is remarkably clear, and while the levels have a tendency to stretch on for a bit, Plok! never grows boring thanks to his constant muttering of lyrics to Fresh Prince songs.

Another high note (did I make this joke already? It’s not very good so I hope not.) is the music! Ha ha! Plok! has some pleasant musical accompaniment, and I find this very important in a game. Nothing makes me go insane quicker than a repetitive and tinny soundtrack that instructs me to fight the Prince of Space with an old screwdriver. Plok! has no such galactic regicide planned for me, so I can sit back and enjoy the pleasant noise the game makes as I relax my trigger finger(s) and do kegels.

Did I mention I’m an intergalactic assassin? No? Good. Because I’m not and that was another joke.

Here’s the bottom line: Plok! is a fun game for the SNES that you can play and it’s completely devoid of secret instructions. As far as I can tell.

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