Pinball Fantasies


Believe it or not, I have a pinball fantasy. Nothing dirty, just one simple thing: to own the Star Wars pinball machine. I vicariously live out this fantasy through a friend of mine every New Year’s Eve. Specifically, I live out this fantasy through his father, who happens to be a fairly well-to-do member of local government. He owns the Star Wars pinball machine. It’s in the pool room, beside the bar. I have fond memories of a New Year’s Eve; “Chariots of Fire” by Vangelis playing (inexplicably) over the stereo, inebriated friends taking assy cue shots behind me; and me, sipping down a Canadian Club and Cola playing Star Wars pinball. I swear I’ve missed the countdown every year.

The Force is strong with this one.

It’s more than appropriate, I think: A New Hope for the New Year. And what better way to start the year than with a You-just-blew-up-the-Death-Star Multi-ball? Granted, the most bodacious babe at the party could be standing right next to you on the count of zero, but I can go one better.  Listen closely:

  1. Bring a portable radio and mount it on the bar beside the Star Wars pinball machine. This is so you can hear the countdown on your radio station of choice.
  2. Bring spare batteries – you won’t get the kiss if you don’t get the countdown.
  3. Open an ice cold bottle of Canadian Club and Cola.
  4. Invite the most smoking hot babe at the party to play pinball as part of a group – it’s less intimidating, and the Star Wars pinball machine can accomodate up to 4 players. Believe it or not, pinball machines are not regarded in as geeky a light as videogames – they’re cool and retro, like faded jeans and vinyl.
  5. If she plays like a n00b, this is the perfect opportunity to show her how. Get in close behind her and place your hands on her hands, just like they do in the movies. But DON’T look a gift horse in the mouth and start ramming her forcefully from behind! That’s a one-way ticket to Slap-town!
  6. DO take a few sips of your Canadian Club. DON’T get drunk and make an ass of yourself.
  7. Try to time the Death Star Tri-Ball to occur just before the countdown (so you’ll look awesome), and on “THREE, TWO, ONE!” quickly turn around, pick up your Pinball Woman by the waist, spin her around and kiss her (again, just like the movies).
  9. Canadian Club. Don’t forget.

Now that, my friends, is a pinball fantasy.


Pinball Fantasies is nowhere near as cool as Star Wars pinball. It is NOT worth missing the countdown for.


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