Romance of the Three Kingdoms II

Try as I might, I can’t seem to come up with a witty way to write something about Romance of the Three Kingdoms. There’s nothing in the game I could point out in a humorous manner. I don’t really feel like turning into one of those things where it’s not really a review but some sort of short story about the exploitative realities of working in an Epic Chinese Novel mine. And I definitely don’t want to actually play it and give it a fair shake because I know that not only will I not understand what the fuck is going on, but that I won’t have the patience for it.

I feel the exact same way about Romance of the Three Kingdoms that everyone else on this site feels when it’s time to review another hockey/baseball/football game.

Not only could I care less about whether or not this game is good, the fact that there’s something like 9 of them means I care even more less (grammar police, arrest this man).

I bet it’s as good as Nobunaga’s Ambition. It looks identical. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on in Nobunaga’s Ambition either.

I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that everyone who likes Romance of the Three Kingdoms probably knows that they like it. I think the entry point on appreciating this series is pretty much sorted out.

Here’s how I bet this would have gone.

– Long introduction explaining backstory of three kingdoms.
– I hit start, select “campaign”, and pick a campaign.
– I pick a side in the campaign.
– I get another intro/context slideshow.
– I’m greeted with a map and a bunch of wacky shorthand statistics.
– I hit A a bunch, and this issues some commands (or a lack of commands, from a series of pop-up options)
– My turn ends, and I have no idea what’s happened or why I should care.
– I turn it off.

Here, I’ll even play along, let’s find out!

1 for 1
2 for 2
3 for 3
What?
Ugh

I’d say I was pretty close. I definitely turned it off at roughly the same time.

I feel like any time someone says that videogames are bad for kids they should be shown this. Kids fucking love fucking numbers.

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