Super Goal 2

The ball defies conventional perspective.

Let me begin by assuring you that I won’t be making any jokes about vuvuzelas, no matter how funny or topical they might be. Ha ha, an annoying buzzing noise! Hilarious. It would be great if every vuvuzela purchased after the end of the World Cup was tipped in poison, eventually killing the person who used it—we would very quickly rid our society of idiots in this manner, though I suppose I’d run out of people to mock, and that would be the greatest tragedy.

…or would it? Perhaps it’s time for a stroll down to the friendly neighbourhood poisonery!

Super Goal 2 is a sports game, much like a startlingly large number of video games seem to be. I consider this a wasted opportunity since emulating something that I can already do in real life (win the World Cup) is really no large feat. If they’d only mixed it up a little by adding something that you couldn’t do in real soccer—or even better, something you couldn’t do at all in reality—then I’d be down. But no, it’s just soccer. No robots with satirical hats. No flesh-eating flowers or talking corn. Just a ball and a bunch of dudes and a field. YAWN.

But ok, we’re stuck within the frustrating bounds of reality where I have to follow (some) laws (physics, mostly). That’s fine. How does Super Goal 2 meet its super goal of being a soccer game? Eh, it doesn’t do too bad. You can pick formations, you run, you slide, you hit the bump, and take a diiive! Wait. No, that’s Crocodile Mile, which is way more fun than Super Goal 2. Aside from the formations part. There aren’t any formations in Crocodile Mile. Actually, I suppose that’s at your discretion. If you want to slide down Crocodile Mile in formation, that’s your business, and not the government’s.

Where was I? Super Goal 2, sort of. The graphics in this game are a little ho-hum, but the music isn’t grating, and the colours are bright and briefly attracted my attention. The game play is satisfactory and can you almost see fun as if through a diaphanous curtain, like if you just squinted a little harder, you could discern the outline of fun’s supple breasts.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m finished talking about Super Goal 2 and I have some crying and masturbating to do. While I’m gone for that 31 seconds, please watch this commercial for Crocodile Mile:

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