The Lameass Sucka
A Choose-Your-Own Adventure, Starring YOU!
‘I’m in the Quarterback Club. A lot of strange stuff goes on in there, but if I told you… oh, you won’t tell anyone will you?’
To say you won’t tell anyone, turn to page three. To leave the the room, turn to page two
Outside, there is a man wearing a cape. He must be superman, you think. But you are wrong. He is batman.
‘Well, it’s kind of embarrassing. We yell things like “Red, 42!” and “Yellow, 42!” and stuff but it’s all junk, really. We just want to feel important. My daddy was a military advisor. He advised the military. He sang songs about gold and beautiful women and marched all day long in parades! Just once, I would like to have that kind of power, my friend. Just once! Wait a minute. You’re not my friend! WHO DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?’
You are in mortal peril. To run like fuck, turn to page six. To pull out your gun, turn to page 5.
You pull out your gun and it turns out that it’s not loaded. Ooops! Forgot to load it! Dang! Curse your rotten luck. Wow. You should have thought of that before you DECIDED to pull your gun on someone. Jees. Now he knows. He can see it in your eyes. He’s not scared. He pulls out his gun too. He says, “I HATE YOU, DAD!” BANG! YOU’RE DEAD. And you’re his dad.
You run like fuck. It looks like you’re getting away when all of a sudden, like, a billion other guys come at you and they crush you. The man comes up and he’s like “Oh, shit, that was so much fun. I want to make this into a sport, okay??” Everyone is like, “Sure, I’m a jackass with no nipples, wtf!” Then the dude with the gun (oh, shit, that’s in a different part of the story. Ignore that) comes up and he’s like, “How about we give this dude a ball and then run after him and beat the crap out of him!” Then everyone is joyuous! You saved the world! Congratulations!
If you want your reward to be a sexless marriage, turn to page seven. If you want your reward to be an awesome cowboy song, turn to page 8.
You are rewarded with a sexless marriage. You get to hang out with someone you love a lot, but there’s just a lot on her mind. Time to take up yoga!
I found my way home
In the dust and the sun
I knew that my shootin’
Days were all done
I had a big wound
In the front of my chest
This is the life
That I like best
For the cowboy’s a lover
He shoots on the breeze
He takes off his pants
When he eats cheddar cheese
He cannot be blamed
For the state that he’s in
He’s only a cowboy
He can’t help but grin
This game is okay. I’m pretty sure it’s done by the guys who developed Re-volt, so that’s pretty cool.
I hate football games so much I want to die.