Lawnmower Man

Looking at distant lawns and dreaming.
Looking at distant lawns and dreaming.

I have a nasty case of strep throat that’s been slowly murdering me these past few days, so please believe me when I say I’m in no mood to be writing a review of Lawnmower Man. First off, its name annoys me since every time I type it I write “Lawnmover.” I have zero clue as to why, but it’s happened at least six or seven times now. I think at this point I would rather play “Lawnmover Man,” the intense RTS where you have to drive around a neighbourhood switching people’s lawns back and forth without them realizing. Why? Because you’re a crazy person. Only crazy people care that much about other people’s lawns.

In the SNES game LawnmoWer Man, you begin by selecting one of two grainy photos from the movie. You can play as either a man or a woman, and this harrowing choice will decide what colour hair your sprite has; everything else in the game seems to be the same, insofar as I’ve been able to tell. I haven’t gone very far since my copy of Lawnmower Man seems to be a little broken, just like my poor, suffering meat suit. I’ve managed to crash the game several times in a row, both in the side scroller mode (don’t jump off the side of a building) and in the 3D mode (don’t crash into a wall).

Here’s how the game works: you run around continually firing your weird plasma gun (just hold down the button: there’s never a reason to stop shooting) killing dudes and collecting data out of garbage cans and then occasionally jumping into a badly rendered first-person 3D mode where you try to avoid walls. Thrilling.

Do you know what I would give to be able to plug myself into cyberspace right now and escape my feverish prison? I would mow all of your lawns, and I’m not just talking about the green kind. Sadly, as I’ve learned, shaving the pubic regions of strangers doesn’t alleviate sickness. However, I think I read on the Internet that having sex with virgins does, so COME ONE AND ALL, EVERY GAME READERS! And I do mean come!

Insulted readership for zero reason ✓
Made tired jokes involving sex and/or bodily functions ✓
Said nothing useful about game ✓

Article complete, back to bed for me!

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