FIFA International Soccer. My first mistake: picking the Canadian team. They’re well-meaning enough boys, but the little bars that represent the various skills they need to, say, WIN AT SOCCER seem to be severely lacking compared to many of the other teams, including the one I was playing. This, combined with my frequently mentioned inability to not lose at video games, means that the game was really over before it started. In fact, I was so unlikely to win this game, that if I’d started, my team’s possible future children would have begun faaading away in pictures like in Back to the Future since the timeline was so irreparably screwed up. Some of them might even sleep with their mothers, although that has nothing to do with the game.
As the game progressed and the tiny men scattered on the field, appearing to completely disregard my directions and increasingly frantic pleas for them to pass the ball or shoot the ball or RUN IN THE DIRECTION OF THE BALL, I decided that I needed help. With the diminutive catcalls of the Lilliputian audience ringing in my ears, I took out my cellphone, put on my sunglasses, and did the only logical thing: I called in a ringer.
Everyone seems to know that Brazil is the best country at soccer, even though the majority of its citizens do not play (unlike Cleatselburg, where soccer—or football, if you will—is a mandatory activity that takes up 70% of the day and is responsible for an epidemic of knee injuries), so I relied on the only Brazilian I know: Thiago Silva. No, not Thiago Emiliano da Silva the Brazilian footballer; he plays at AC Milan. No, not Thiago Jotta da Silva; he was murdered to death and is no longer good at soccer as a result. No, not even Thiago Silva the MMA fighter; I don’t know him. I’m talking about Thiago Silva the miniature steam engine repair technician who works at TRAIN WORLD, THE TRAINIEST PLACE IN THE WORLD. He repairs little trains.
Since I don’t speak Brazilian, and Thiago doesn’t really speak Canadian*, I had him write down his impressions while playing FIFA International Soccer and then used Google’s translation tools to transcribe it here:
Look at these little men running! Why they do not run with the ball? This is the game of football, is running with the ball and take the ball and put it on the network, but they do not want it seems.
I press the buttons and I am not sure if it is working. Is this working? The crowd is screaming and I am ashamed the ball was not placed on the network for my team. They need to have try much harder.
This is making me sad in my heart that my team does not pass each other, but only for the other team. They have to stop. They need more contrast to the practice of his pieces are never implemented in time for the tiniest of trains. Choo Choo. Ha! Ha! I love doing this, the little steam engine. They carry children in tunnels and are sometimes never seen again. That is why I can never go back to São Paulo.
Thiago didn’t win either, but he offered me a ride on a little train so I feel like a winner anyway!
* You might be surprised to know that Brazilians speak Portuguese and Canadians speak a form of English. Learning!