James Bond Jr.

There are games that are great, and then there are games that redefine the sensual quality of games. I’m talking about games that make you think about gameness itself. I mean games that say to you, “Look, Fella, you may be made of tin, but you still have a heart.” This game is one of those games. James Bond Jr. is a rollercoaster ride of excitement and fun for the whole family!

This is the part where I gave up.
This is the part where I gave up.

In the first scene, James Bond’s son, who is also called James Bond, is inextricably caught in a dilemma: He must decide whether to use his wits or his jumpy-boots.
He wisely chooses his jumpy-boots; he has tall obstacles to scale.
Then he runs into this big ugly dude who has half a face or something! He also has a moustache, which makes me uncomfortable allowing children near him!

HI! HI! ASL! ....... KTHXBYE!
HI! HI! ASL! ....... KTHXBYE!

Then the Moustache Man takes flight and James pursues him in his Yeller-Copter.
The player says, “Oooh, yes. Look at all the bombs I can poop out of my Yeller-Copter! Cellophane was never this enjoyable!”
But soon, dear reader, the player is singing a different tune. ‘Cause those special shield balls Q Jr. sent in from the fortress of solitude don’t save you from the trees!
Those soldiers on the ground look harmless enough until they find a trampoline. Then they’re on top of you, pulling you down!

 

This ain't no poppy-pippity, guns-only kinda game.
This ain't no poppy-pippity, guns-only kinda game.

 

Those fuckers hide under the bushes. You can’t bomb ‘em! They just keep coming!!
Panic surrounding!! The walls call my name in whispers. Ronald McDonald peeks out from behind the chesterfield and beckons to me, singing, “there’s something happy in here.”

I’m sorry, man. I know this makes you uncomfortable, but ever since that Yeller-Copter ride, I can’t sleep straight. You know what I mean? I gotta sprawl all over the place!
That little kid was fucked up, I tell you. He kept a wry smile on the whole time! He didn’t blink once, man – I was looking!

Deep breath. Done. It’s over. I’m out.
This game is the kind of game that makes you say, “Why don’t I carpet bomb things more often?”
If you don’t believe me, give it a try. Once you’re in the shit, you’ll probably be loving it. I know I was.
I know.
I was there.

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