Super Soccer Champ

SPORTS

Perhaps it’s just the confirmation bias talking, but it seems to me as if there’s a strangely disproportionate number of sports games for the SNES. Despite being a huge nerd, I have no problems acknowledging society’s love of sport—it does make sense that there would be video games simulating everyone’s favorite ball-kicking activity for those rainy indoor days when ball-kicking can only be done in the sexy and not competitive (at least not too competitive) way. I’m right with all of you so far! That’s me by your garage, setting off your safety lights.

Where I begin to get confused is when you introduce me to the sheer number of games for the SNES that seem to be the exact same thing. How many times can I review these things? How many different ways can I possibly describe running and shooting/kicking/swallowing a ball? At this point I’m very afraid I’m just repeating things I’ve written in previous reviews, and just as afraid you won’t even notice. But whatever, it’s Super Soccer Champ. Huzzah.

Super Soccer Champ is ugly. Looking at the game doesn’t make me want to play the game, it makes me want to turn off the game and do something else. Something that won’t make my eyes sad. I don’t want sad eyes. Super Soccer Champ makes my eyes sad not only for its looks, but for the knowledge some hard-working individuals spent so much time recreating a sports game that’s been done and done and done again.

I’m sorry, people who made Super Soccer Champ. I don’t want all your hard work to be derided in such a dismissive and unoriginal fashion. But what can I do? Much as you were doomed to program a soccer game that’s been done to death, so too am I doomed to unfavorably review it. There’s something unremittingly sad about all of this, but my brain is too dulled by the tautology of our hopeless shared plight. You guys keep programming the little soccer ball, and I’ll keep pushing it uphill only to have it roll back down into my own goal.

GOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL

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