Brett Hull Hockey

You might be thinking, “Hey, Brett Hull Hockey is just another hockey game on the Super Nintendo. There’s nothing special about it.” To this, I cannot even begin to fathom a response that can convey the depths to which you are incorrect. This may not be just one of the best damn hockey games on the Super Nintendo, but may in fact be one of the BEST GAMES EVER MADE. Now, wait, I can sense your confusion, despite having written this prior to your even reading it. Let me explain…

Look at the title now. Do you see the first two words there? Yes, I’m talking about Brett Hull. BRETT FUCKING HULL, MAN!! Do you still not understand now?

Brett Hull, also known as “The Golden Brett”, is not a mortal a man but in fact a gold-crafted golem designed primarily to play hockey. Unfortunately for his crafters—druids from the early first century that discovered time travel, traveled ten billion years into the future, then returned to the 20th century with future technologies solely to create an unstoppable hockey juggernaut—he advanced above and beyond his original programming to learn various secrets of time, space, and the very fabric of reality itself. With these powers, he puts bubbles into beer, holds back Skynet from advancing to the point of initiating nuclear holocaust (thus preventing the destruction of more than half of humanity on Earth since 1997), and, for reasons unknown, keeps college kids playing Dave Matthews Band tunes on their acoustic guitars for nearly two decades and counting.

In 1993, he created the epitome of video game entertainment, Brett Hull Hockey, entirely on his own simply using sand, water, and the power of his imagination. Simply inserting the cartridge into your Super Nintendo would cause the aura of his golden existence to surround you and carry you to a magical place full of rainbows, laughing puppies, and barking children. It is an experience like none other.

Unfortunately, this magic is lost when playing a copied ROM of the game through a software emulator. What instead comes out is a standard hockey title with somewhat decent graphics and controls but shitty AI. You shouldn’t be pirating, anyway.

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One thought on “Brett Hull Hockey

  1. Fun fact: another famous sporting Brett, Brett Favre, is known as the “Tin Brett.” Golden Brett was taken, see.

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