Battle Clash

This is it.  The dance.  The only dance I ever loved.  The only rose I ever held in my mouth.  The only twin-linked machineguns that ever locked on to their target in my soul.
This is it. The dance. The only dance I ever loved. The only rose I ever held in my mouth. The only twin-linked machineguns that ever locked on to their target in my soul.

Games that are essentially a series of interesting boss battles hold a special place in my heart.  As such, Battle Clash charmed me immediately.  A really neat twist on the shooter-on-rails thing the Super Scope usually ended up accompanying, it’s a game where you duel with other mechs and have to figure out how to shoot them to death while defending yourself from their rockets and laser balls and whatever other sort of nastiness they fire at you.

Now, you defend yourself by shooting their shots, which immediately strikes me as unfair; you have an instant-hit machinegun or a charge-up laser blast that you have to lead a little bit, whereas they have slow globules of purple plasma and very gradual rockets that seem to be wind-powered.   I guess that makes up for the fact that your mech moves in the exact same pattern every thirty seconds, and is completely unable to dodge any gunfire whatsoever.

The best thing ever, though, is the dialogue between pilots, which consists of plain statements of their emotional states, declaration of the intent to fight, and then a tip – from yourself – on how to take advantage of the enemy’s weakness.

“You called me crazy! That’s a terrible insult.  I’m very annoyed.  Let’s fight!”

Let’s fight indeed.

I actually played this game for about six or seven rounds, facing a number of very different opponents before dying at the hands of a dude who can move super fast.    This little gem is a bastion of hope to which I cling as the endless tide of unspeakably terrible SNES games crashes down upon me, threatening to sweep me into a black, howling oblivion from which the only escape is turning off my emulator and receiving a polite message about how terribly late I am with my reviews and could I please get those done, thank you (me), that would be swell.

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