Give me death, please. Why did you put me in charge of running this war? I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Should I hold some parades now? Will that make everyone feel better about the bloody slaughter that will claim the lives of their children and possibly damage their wagons? Maybe I should get everyone drunk. That always seemed to help in that Lords of the Realm game. Bunch of drunk colonists running around holding barrels full of powder while yelling at a parade, and I’m giving George Washington orders. How did this happen?
Let’s just gloss over the real-world parallels where people who have no idea how to fight a war are put in charge of one aside for a moment. I think this is actually a pretty solid game—it’s just beyond my understanding or ability or desire to put in the effort required to learn how to play, which is probably a shame. It seems to be fairly in-depth, offering a lot of different ways to manage units and regions, giving you a lot of control over the COURSE OF HISTORY.
When I was younger, I was a huge fan of these kinds of games, and if I’d found this when I was fourteen, I’d probably have played it for hours and been extremely confused about some aspects of American history (or British history, if you prefer) as a result. Instead, I’m just confused about them due to plain old ignorance. The Liberty Bell was cracked when the people carrying it were startled by the headless horseman, right?
Nowadays, I don’t have the attention span for this sort of busy simulation. I like my games how I like my tiny prostitutes: short and easy to pick up. The games that require more effort often return more reward: are you willing to take that risk? If you are, you could certainly do worse than Liberty or Death! For example, you could play Slavery or Coma, the historical simulation where you’re routinely beaten into a coma for talking back or not working fast enough. It’s not nearly as much fun, especially given the rather spotty track record of health care for slaves.
Between the mention of incompetent war leadership, poor health care and constant references to past drug use, I think I’ve firmly established myself as a left-leaning stoned slacker who incites violence. Soon, my tenure at Every Game Ever will come to an end when I’m invited on Fox News to get yelled at by Bill O’Reilly, which has been my plan this entire time. Thanks for making it happen, everyone! I’m going to stare at my phone now.