From now on, I battle aliens only when it's sunny
From now on, I battle aliens only when it's sunny

Hello, you’ve reached the Video Gamer Sex Chat and POWER PLAYING TIPS Hotline. To continue, enter your credit card number now, followed by the three digit verification number on the back of the card, followed by the expiry date. For English, press 1. For Korean, press 2. For retarded online 1337 speak garbage that makes me want to jam you into a garbage disposal like old ravioli that went kind of bad but I probably could have eaten if I reheated it and added some hot sauce or something, give me your address.

Before we begin the Sex Chat and POWER PLAYING TIPS, please review the following information: Your credit card number is 4432 1178 435262 44 3 1111 1 32435435 “breast” 4256, the three digit verification number is 8, and the expiry date is 02/a billion. Please let me know how you entered those characters in what should be a numeric-only entry, and then proceed to the SEXY GAMER GAME LOBBY.

Hello, welcome to the SEXY GAMER GAME LOBBY where you can find all sorts of Sex Chat and POWER PLAYING TIPS. Today’s POWER PLAYING TIPS are for the SNES game BioMetal.

Tip #1: To beat this game, you must become this game. The only way to win is to enter a state of Zen so perfect and absolute, it grants you the necessary concentration to avoid the strange contraptions flying all around shooting things at your tiny explodable ship. Your ship has been made from a special grade of aluminum which has been SCIENTIFICALLY PROCESSED to immediately fold inwards if anything touches it.

Sex Chat: I have heard that your lovemaking abilities are adequate and your smell is largely inoffensive at certain times of the day.

Tip #2: Though I have yet to press the ‘Y’ button for some reason, supposedly you can use a shield in this game. If this shield provides the equivalent protection that your ship’s hull does, you might as well not press it and just open a tiny umbrella instead.

Sex Chat: Once again, I am not pregnant – despite our poor planning.

Tip #3: Playing the game with your eyes open and not attempting echolocation is probably a better method though much less likely to get you on the evening news.

Sex Chat: Menstruation.

Tip #4: Your success in BioMetal is largely determined by your hand/eye coordination and your ability to grab gnats out of the air with slightly-cooked pieces of spaghetti. Practicing the latter at home is both productive and delicious. However, beware: too much practice can lead to pasta poisoning. Every year, two thousand and five children suffer and die from this for no reason other than a lack of proper pasta education. Please contact the Boyardee Foundation for the Arts for more details and an informational video starring a clinically depressed Gary Coleman.

Sex Chat: I came. Take your shit and get out.

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